When will I learn?

I really need to stop posting about my happy love life...that seems to be the kiss of death for my relationships...because as soon as I post about the "oh so happy times" and the "wonderful man" in my life, it bites me in the ass. Not long after I posted that entry about Derek and all the happy feels he made me have...well, he came home on his lunch break got some of his clothes and then walked out...said that he was going to be home that night after he ran some errands, yea, well he hasn't come home since. Pretty sure I need to give up on love because love has given up on me. Yup...and that is ok.

You killed me...Yea well you pissed me off..

I really do need to be better at updating this...my last entry type thing was a year and a half ago now...so much has happened since then...shortly after that last entry Dave and I broke up...it wasn't a surprise or anything like that...it was LONG over due..just wish that I hadn't wasted all the time on him that I did...I can't really say that it was a waste of time though...valuable lessons were learned. From what I hear he is still up to his same old antics...guess he got married and she left him after 2 months..sad. No, that's a lie, there is nothing sad about his life..he brings everything upon himself. I just sit here and I think about it and if I were to go into the other room and get the year book from my senior year I am sure that I could count on one hand, maybe both, the number of people in my class that haven't been married and or divorced and that don't have kids...there is one girl that I graduated with that just got engaged and this will be her third marriage and she already has three kids...all this before our 10 year reunion. I can't wrap my head around that, 3 marriages in 10 years...and here I am never married and no kids. G*ranted I have been engaged before, but I never pulled that trigger...I do want to get married and have a family, but I can't help but think that there is something to cherish about being married...as my Nan says, kids these days look at marriage as something that can be thrown away...it's something that if things aren't working out then you just go and get a divorce and move onto the next one..where when my Grandpa was alive he and my Nan were together until the day he died. They had hard times, as does every couple, but they didn't just throw in the towel and quit...just going on your third marriage in 10 years. Call me old fashioned but to me marriage is forever...for better or for worse until death do us part...like my mom and Stan..they didn't have the perfect marriage but they loved each other and were together until God took Stan from us...there were times when they fought like cats and dogs but I will never forget the way Stan looked at my mom... Then I think back to the funeral that I went to last summer of Bobby Hornsby of KPD...setting Stans funeral aside, that was the saddest funeral I have ever been to. His widows sobs were the saddest ever, granted it was a police funeral, that alone makes it sad, but hearing their kids cry and seeing them...heartbreaking...and knowing the love that they had it does give me hope..hope that there might actually be a happily ever after..call me jaded or maybe I've just kissed too many toads to know the real thing...but do Disney love stories really exist? Then i look to my right and I see the one person who makes me believe that they do...I look at my left arm and at his and see the tattoos that we have that match each other..silhouettes of mickey and minnie mouse..and I know that beyond the shadow of a doubt there is someone out there that can and does have the same beliefs that I do...he has been married once before but, I have come to find that it is rare to find someone our age (26/27) that hasn't been married yet. Guess I am a unicorn..Ha! I know it's all new and happy go lucky, but I am learning quickly that I can't be first all the time, he is a solider, so the Army comes first, but when he comes home and looks at me...it all fades away...then when I bring him his plate of food for dinner and he says a prayer...it's nice. I've never been one to bring religion into relationships much, Dave was Catholic and we would go to church every now and then but, Derek makes it a point to tell me that we are going to church on Sunday, he's not Catholic, rather non denominational, but a relationship with God is still a relationship no matter how we pray...Like I told him as long as we believe in a higher power and have the same beliefs in the after life, I am good...I know that this is a new realtionship and we have to figure out each others quirks and our ins and outs, but I truly do believe that when I met Derek my soul sighed and said "there you are I've been looking for you"...it was his idea for us to move in together and it's been his idea for me to go with him to Fort Bragg in November when he goes there after Airborne school...I know it's fast, but there is something about this that just feels right...let's just hope that this time I'm right...

My trip home was everything I needed. It was so nice to be home to visit but it was so much nicer to get back to Texas. I miss home, and all the people that are there, but I don't want to be back for more than a week or two at a time. I thought that I was going to see Thom while I was home, but I didn't. And I am alright with that. It would have been nice to see him, but things happened the way that they did and I spent most of my time with my family and I couldn't be happier. Things with the other guy, well, they are non existant. He turned out to be a HUGE dick. Like the things that he did to me take the title douchebag to a whole new level. I haven't talked to him at all and I don't plan on talking to him. My life is better without that sort of asshole in it. Things with Dave. Well, they depend on the day. As they have for the LONGEST time. We got into a HUGE fight a couple of Sundays ago. They are rocky, but working for the time being. I love him but I don't know if I am in love with him anymore. And that is the worst position to be in. My dad said that he will take over my lease if I get Dave out, but how do you tell the person that you have been with for over 2 years that you don't love him anymore. That classic line "it's not you is me" fits PERFECT, but, it's such a low way out. But is it really a low way out when it's really how you feel?

I GET TO GO HOME!!!!!!

WORDS CAN NOT EXPRESS HOW EXCITED I AM TO FINALLY BE GOING HOME FOR A VISIT!!!!!!!!!!! My mom was wanting to come down here but she doesn't like Dave and she said that she would only come down if he was out of our apartment....well I can't get that done in the time frame that she wants...so I just asked her to stop chewing my ass constantly and just fly me home instead so I could see EVERYONE. And she is!!!!! I can't wait. Then just the other night when I was talking to her about coming home and when and what not, I got a text message from Thom. Thom is my ex from WAY back...needless to say things have ALWAYS been weird with us and I just don't know. Things are weird. They always have been. We spent the whole night talking. When we were together we would always joke that we were like Jim and Pam Morrison as a couple. A very VERY tragic love story that never went the way that it should. There were times when they weren't together, rumor has it that Jim married another woman, he says that he was stoned and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But, I am rambling. Needless to say, fate ALWAYS brought them back together. And after Thom and I were done talking he sent me this message "like Jim and Pam, fate will keep us one" It just, is too perfect. I don't know what to think. He said that he wants to see me when I get home...and I want to see him to. It's been I think 2 years since we last saw each other. Like he said, both of us have grown up and it took me moving 21 hours away from him for him to realize what he had in me. I don't know how true it is, all we have done is talk on the phone. I want to see him just to know that I can then read his face and know if he is being sincere or not. He also said that jealousy is a very underestimated emotion, I asked what he meant by that and he said that he is jealous of Dave because he is always around me. WELL, not like I was the one who chose to end things back in the day, HE was!!!!! Then he tried to play it off and I was like Thom, if you are jealous of Dave and you get jealous of the thought of him with me, then that means you still care, and if you still care, then I still have a chance. Ha. He said that he couldn't agree more. Sooooo....I guess we will see. He said something about picking me up from the airport, but I don't know if my mom will fly for that or not. It kinda makes sense for him to do it because he lives an hour away form the airport and my mom is 3 I think. I don't know. All I do know is that I AM SO STINKING EXCITED TO BE GOING HOME!!!!!!!!

Why are some decisions so hard?

Things are SO difficult. I hate it. Decisions are so hard. I love him. There is another guy. I like him. After all this time what do I do?

Austin...

Texas has been an experience. I am so glad that we moved here. I truly am. We recently got an apartment in North Austin...a beautiful town..amazing.
We just got jobs and are now starting to work and make some money (it's about damn time) The pets are doing good. Boomer is Boomer, at times we want to lock him in his room for the rest of his life and then he can be a saint. We had a problem with him about 2 weeks ago where he wanted to throw dominance and growl at Dave and I, so he was put on the porch for about a week...he learned his lesson, add to it he was shedding BAD because of the heat and adjusting to it, so he was able to be out in the air and loose the hair into the air rather than our carpet. Dave said that it would be best for him to be out until he wanted in, and it did take about the week for him to want to come back inside and even now he still wants to go out on the porch and play, so in the end it was a win win for all of us.

WE MADE IT!!!!

After all the talk and all the strain. WE MADE IT TO TEXAS!!!! Things with Dallas were not working out the way that they were supposed to. It seemed like no matter what we tried nothing EVER worked out. So just as we were about to throw in the towel and beg and gravel for our jobs back on Mackinac Island, we through into a search engine Texas Security Training Firms and then we found this school in Round Rock, which is about 20 minutes north of Austin.
Then Dave talked to the school and was personally talking to a trainer who was more than willing to help out and talk to us about what we needed and where there was to stay and the storage units that we could use. Then he told Dave that if there was anything that I needed that he would talk to me and then I got on the phone with him and talked to him for about 45 minutes.
Everything just worked out. For a while we are staying in an Extended Stay Hotel. It's not the Ritz or anything, but it is nice and it's somewhere to be.

So for now I am going to sit back and relax and enjoy the weather...I did just drive 21 hours! EEK!!!!