I gave in...

I gave in.

I never thought that I would start blogging...thought it was something that coffee drinking art nerds did while sitting in Starbucks wearing their Hemp outfits tooling around on their Macs.

Well, here I am. I am a coffee drinker, not really an art nerd, although I do have a love for Warhol. Starbucks is a cult and I love it, and I've never worn hemp. I have used a tanning lotion that has it in it though...Mac? Nope, proud owner of a Toshiba.

So here I am in the library at school waiting for my next class to start. I was reading my friend Alyssas' blog and I thought that it might be fun to start one of my own. To have a place where I can vent and not care if people read it. With tha said, I caution you. This is my blog, you are reading it by choice, so I am not going to censor anything. If you don't like what you are reading, there is a little red X up in the upper right hand corner, go click on it and forget that you stumbled upon this blog.

I am a 22 year old college student. I am starring down the barrel of my 5 year reunion and I just made up my mind this past fall as to what I want to do with the rest of my life. When I graduated from my little podunk high school in 2005 I thought that I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. WRONG. I was 17 and could barely make up my mind about what I wanted for breakfast in the morning let alone decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. So here I am, on my 4th college in the past 5ish years. I think that I want to be a psychologist, think well no, know, yes.

When I was in high school I worked for a General Contractor (yes, I build houses), I was her Personal Assistant then, and I still am now. In the summers I go up and work on Mackinac Island, oh what fun it is. Please, if you come up, don't ask the Island workers stupid questions, and PLEASE pronounce Mackinac right, it's not cute when you don't and we don't like answering your dumb ass questions. There are NO cars on the Island, therefore, we DON'T park them on the backside in the morning. The bridge DOES NOT swing over to bring us to work, we live on the Island for however long our contract is. Sorry for that little soapbox, I will get into Mackinac Island a little later.

This being my first blog, I apologize for it being all scattered brained. I am just trying to give you all a sense of who I am and why I am here. Like I said before, I am here to vent.
I live in a small town where everyone knows everyones business and people LOVE to talk. NOT FUN. It's the kind of a town where you have to be careful who your "friends" are, because people LOVE to talk. So, if you think you know someone, check yourself. Ask people around town about that person, AND then decide if you want to tell your "friend" your deepest and most dark secrets. Consider yourself warned.

I guess I could say that it all started one cold November night back in 1987 when I was born. Well it didn't. I could say it all started that terrible nigh in November of 2006 when my stepdad died. It didn't. It all started when I started making decisions for myself. I do not regret any decisions that I have made. They all have made me who I am today. And personally I love me. But then again I am bias.

I guess now it's time for the basics. I am the middle child. I have an older sister (30) and a younger brother (18). My parents were divorced when my brother was 19 months old. You do the math. My dad left because he said that he didn't want to be married anymore, then 9 months later he was married to the Stepmother. BITCH. FUCKING HATE HER. She is the worst excuse for a human being that I have ever come across. I am not against divorce, people change, marriages fall apart, it's life, shit happens. Then in 1998 my mom and stepdad were married. He was cool. Pretty laid back guy, had tattoos, rode a Harley. Was the tallest person I knew (he was 6'7"), but then again I was just a kid and I was short, so everyone was tall. My sister graduated from high school in 1997, moved out west for a while, so it was just me and the brother at home with our mom and stepdad. Then in late 1999 early 2000 we (the family) moved up to Canadian Lakes. AWESOME! I was in the 7th grade and I was actually REALLY excited to move. We were going to the school distrcit where I would later graduate from and where my uncle was the principle at the middle school and I would be in the same grade as my cousin. I was about to go from being the ugly duckling/farmers daughter to a VERY big fish in a VERY small pond. Life was good. When I started school all people had to know about me was that I was Mr. Bakers' neice and I lived in Canadian Lakes. They were afarid of me (in the "Mean Girl" sense) School was good. I always did well, played sports, my coordination wasn't all that well, but I was tall and they needed my height. I had friends, loads of friends, lived in a NICE house, parents both had good jobs, wore the right clothes. Life was good. Then when my brother was in the 6th grade, that would put me in the 10th, he decided that he wanted to go live with our dad and stepmom for the school year, he did, so I was now the only kid at home. By this time my sister had moved home from Colorado, came out to us that she was gay, and lived in Grand Rapids with her girlfriend.
The summer of 2003 I went to Europe. AMAZING! It was a trip that I could go on through school, it was part of the International Studies Club. The cost was about $3500 and I had to pay for it ALL. That was NICE. Got to spend my summers working in a SWELTERING pizza shop making pizzas and scooping ice cream. Still to this day my right forearm is bigger than my left. I now can thank my parents for making me be responsible and for teaching me that I can have the things and go on the trips that I want as long as I work for them. It was nice because there were fund raisers put on through the school that I could do to also make money for the trip. Ended up that after working for a summer, not spending any unnecessary money (but when your 15 what do you need to spend money on?) and doing ALL the fund raisers, (my parents were SO glad when they didn't have to sell candy or christmas decorations to their coworkers) I went to England, Scotland and Ireland with little over $5000.
Jumping to 2004. My junior year of high school. Good grades, friends, turned 16, parents bought my car (I was still working, so I was paying them back for it, and paying for my own insurance)
Fall of 2004 I started my senior year, late in the summer of 04 I started working for my boss, started dating her son, call it job security if you will. Lost my virginity to him, and started school in august. My parents were not thrilled to say the least, he was 21, I was 16, not really an ideal match. But then again being the age I was, I thought I knew everything and they weren't going to tell me any different. So I "broke" up with him after 3 weeks, and then began sneaking around behind my parents backs for the next 9 months to be with him. It was HARD. All the lies, getting my friends to vouch for me. But they (my friends) were rewarded greatly, keep in mind Billy was 21, he was a sophmore (maybe) out at CMU, I had all the beer and college parties a girl would ever want. My friends loved me.
Now we are in the ealry part of 2005. Things with Billy and I were starting to fizzle out REALLY fast. He knew I wanted to break up, he didn't so he told me that if I was going to break up with him for any bullshit reason that he would go tell my parents EVERYTHING. That was enought to scare me into staying with him. At least until I met Nate. Nate was hot. He was 21, now I was 17, it wasn't as bad. He came from BUCKO bucks, his parents knew mine, everyone got along, it was the perfect out. I told Billy that I was cheating on him, told him that if he ever came to my house again I would call Canadian Lakes Security AND the police and have him arrested for trespassing, he never came around. Today we are great friends, we just choose not to talk about what happened. Hakuna Mattata. Nate and I didn't last long. He was looking for a housewife who just wanted to be barefoot in the kitchen and pregnant. I love to be barefoot, at the time I wasn't keen on cooking and kids were the last thing on my mind. So I left him. Graduated in May with honors in the top quarter of my class. Lived my last summer at home to the fullest and in August packed my car and my mom's truck up and moved out to CMU to start the rest of my life.
Central was FUUN! First semester was good, I didn't turn 18 until November so I couldn't go out to the bar with my roommates, so I was forced to stay in and study. After my birthday EVERYTHING went downhill FAST. When second semester started I thought that I would be able to party hard all the time and still get the grades that I got first semester. WRONG. When you go to class in your spare time or because you are bored, you will end the year with a nice letter from the school asking you to not come back until you are responsible enough to go to class and keep your grades up. I was Academically Dismissed. Took me a LONG time to be able to say it, but looking back on it now, it is the best thing that could have happened to me. I was VERY young, had no idea what I wanted to do with life. Had I stayed in CMU, I would have either graduated last May or this past December with a degree in Business and probably no job opportunites. What a wonderful world we live in.
Fall 2006: I am enrolled at MMCC. Mid Michigan Community College. I live in Mt Pleasant, I am on my way to getting my grades up and going back to CMU in the fall of 2007. Then as the semester started rolling my stepdad fell ill. He had a cold for a few months and wasn't able to shake it. Then in October my mom finally convinced him to go to the hospital. He went, they did a CT scan, found a mass in his chest and shipped him off to Grand Rapids for further tests. On October 18, 2006 we found out that he had Lung Cancer. He had an inoperable tumor that had wrapped itself around his aeorta. When he was 26 he had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, having that, he had all the radiation that his body could handle, along with Chemo. Knowing this, he and my mom discussed it with his doctors, he could not have anymore radiation, if he did, he would die. With Chemo, the doctors could only give him maybe a year. Without, 3-4 months tops. He and my mom talked it over, he decided that he didn't want us kids and our mom to see him wither away to nothing, (remember I said that he was 6'7" and when he went into the hospital weighed about 280lbs..) so he came home, and early in the morning on November 18, 2006 he died. Not 3-4 months later, 1 month to the day. Thankfully we did know that he was going to die, and we had Hospice in with us the whole time and he and my mom had discusssed what arrangements he wanted for the funeral and all that jazz. Then after I had went with my mom to the funeral home to talk about what was going to happen in the next few days we came home. She unplugged the phone, locked the doors, closed the curtains execpt for one, laid down on the couch and took a nap, I told her that I needed to get out of the house so I was going to go over to my boss' house. She lived 5 minutes away and I could make it in 3 if my mom needed me. She said she wouldn't and for me to go and enjoy being away for a while as the next few days were going to be a mind fuck like no other...she was right.
I went to Kathys for a chance to breathe. To talk about something other than death. Anything. I was in the basement with her and her sister in law when her nephew (Billys cousin who I had the biggest crush on for the longest time) walked in. His name is Tom. Kathy was like, "Oh Tom, you remember Hillary right? Yea, her dad just died" I wanted to kill her. Tom looked at my like he didn't know if he should shit or go blind. (His dad died in a BAD car accident when he was 5) all he could say was Im sorry. Now the FUN starts.
From that moment on Tom and I were attached at the hip for a year and a half.
He was exactly what I needed at the time. Hell at the time he was what I thought I needed for the rest of forever. Oh love, you are such a blind dirty abusive whore.