Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I swear this Island fucks with you...royally...all the time. Like really. If you are not working you are drinking. If you are not drinking you are fucking. Even if you are doing all of the three you are THINKING. I thought that my ex was full of shit when I came up here 3 summers ago and he told me that this Island gets to your head...turns out he wasn't. Of all the things to do thinking is the one that always happens...yes I know that you always have the chance to think and get your life straightened out in your head and what not, but I don't think you fully understand how much you are capabale of thinking until you do your time on Mackinac Island.
So I completly ended things with Sean when I was home a few weeks ago after weeks of not hearing from him. And then one day out of the blue when I was at work I got this random text message from a weird number. It was him. He sent me some crack pot apology. I waited a few hours THINKING it over. Then I called him when I was going on my lunch break and I was like what the hell were you thinking? I do appreciate the apology I honestly do, but I don't accept it...really you THINK that you can text me an apology after I open up to you, let you in, love you, and then you give me some lame ass excuse about being scared of your feelings and so you run from them...BULLSHIT. (Think Kate Hudson in How to lose a guy in 10 days). If there is something that everyone knows it's that you can't run from your problems. No matter what you do or where you go your problems are going to be right there with you in your HEAD where you do damn near all of your thinking...So I talked to him for a while and then I was like peace out I have to do my lunch break thing. Then I was talking to him later that night and he was like well I love you and I am going to do whatever I can to prove to you that we can be together and we can work and bla bla bla and then he was giving me this bullshit line about how he has let God back into his life and how he is changing and he is going to be this that and the other thing and that he has got his own place and that he is growing up because he is fighting for his son and bla bla bla and how he needs me in his life and how I didn't want the old him, but the thing is that I don't think I want the new one either.
He may be making all these changes but you can't change who you really are. Like my Nan says a Leopard might be able to hide its coat but it never loses its spots. I do want to be in a relationship and with someone but I want that person to be here with me, to have their license, to have a decent car, to have a job, to not have kids. I know that this sounds selfish, I do love kids, I want kids, do I want to be with someone who has them so that I will always play second fiddle to them? FUCK NO. If the house is on fire I want to be the first person you run to get out. Not the second. It may sound incredibly cruel or whatever, but I do not want to the second person is someones life..and as long as I am with Sean or whatever I am never going to be first in his life. And to put the icing on the cake of whatever with Sean, I am an incredibly jealous person. He has a son, Jordyn has a mom, his mom is Sean's ex. Jordyn is like 4ish I think, so Sean has AT LEAST another 14 or 15 years of dealing with his psycho ex. NOPE. That's a few too many years for me. Maybe I am a little jaded from dealing with past boyfriends and their exs to be comfortable with Sean and Sunny talking and what not, well hell he is the one that went over there and "slept in her bed with Jordyn and she slept on the floor" BULLSHIT. When we were dating you went over there and fucked your ex.
I just don't understand how he can think that he can play with my like a yo-yo. You can't be with someone, tell them that you love them, make all these promises to them, and then just throw them to the side like a piece of old chewing gum. It doesn't work like that. So the other night when I was talking to him I was crying, not because I was sad, because I was or am frustrated. I honestly don't know what he wants me to do. So I gave him my address up here, told him that by the end of the week I expect something in the mail from him and in 2 weeks time something EPIC better happen. If he wants to be with me, that fucker is going to prove just how much he is willing to take.
Yes I am being a bitch. Yes I am going to make him jump through hoops, yes he is going to dance like a little fucking monkey. Am I bored on this Island? Quite possibly. But after all he has put me through I feel like I am entitled to being the biggest bitch that he has ever encountered. Am I going to get back with him? Probably not. Wait, there is no probably. I'm not. He was a waste of my time for a month and a half. Nothing good came from being with him. Well I guess I can't say that. You take something from every relationship that you are in whether it be good or bad, I guess I am just so mad still that I am still seeing red about the whole thing.

Also being on an Island with your ex, and seeing him EVERYDAY DEFINATLY makes you think. Working at the store that I do, guess who I get to see whenever I look up out my window....ding ding ding TOM! There have been times when I am opening my store and I see him coming down the hill I catch him looking around the store...then when his eyes find what they are looking for a smile comes across his face...so I don't know...I know that me being the person I am and having ALL this time on my hands that I do I am over analyzing EVERYTHING. I don't know...I am not mad anymore..more than anything I miss him...I want to talk to him...to see what is going on in his life, to talk about the things we used too...he has to remember the times that we had talks, that we were friends...when we used to laugh and joke...doesn't he? Or am I just the pathetic ex who spends her time thinking about what was...UGH this Island! When I am off Island I don't think like this. There are times off Island that I don't think about Tom at all. I miss those days. Seeing him, those dimples, knowing that we both are single, knowing how amazing the hate sex we could have would be...ohhhh how I hate this Island...actually it's a love hate thing.

I can't wait for it to be August 20. Your contract end date should be a legal holiday. It's probably the best day on the Island. I am going home, I am going to move into my apartment. YEY!!! Then Alyssa is going to come home and then her Amanda and I are going to have a reunion...YEYY!! And this time we aren't going to have to worry about the minors and shutting the place down at 11pm...HAHA...oh it should be a good time...
AALSO!!! My Canadian boyfriend from last summer Stephen is supposed to be coming up this Sunday to stay the night with me...oh god I hope he does...we had something last summer...when we would lay in bed at night we would talk about what we wanted and he would talk about us being together...I honestly thought and I told him and hell I still do think that he is the one person who could make me truly heart and soul move on from Tom. Things with Stephen were perfect. We made eachother laugh...the sex was amazing..we understood eachother..we are the same race (horrible to say, I know, and it being 2010, my family is REALLY old fashioned and I would be disowned if I married a man of a different race)..we are the same religion..we have the same beliefs...it just worked...it was so easy. So simple. I miss that. I miss getting out of work and him waiting for me outside the store to walk me to to (get this!) TWILIGHT. We watched that movie and like 10 minutes into it or whatever, he paused it looked at me and was like "Biscuit, we are in Twilight, you are as clumsy as Bella, and you always joke that I am your Edward, I think we were meant for eachother" IT WAS SOO CUTE...I playfully slapped him and told him to press play because I wanted to watch the movie...haha..then when he left he was like, "Now remember, I am leaving but I will be back for you, your my Bella. I won't be gone for long" Sappy and cheesy I know. But it meant something. AND!! Last night he told me that he loves me. I can't wait to see him...I just hope that he can actually come up..I miss my Biscuit...I need to cuddle in...(We call eachother Biscuit because our first date was at the Seabiscuit and he always said he was having a secret love affair with my ass...and when we would lay in bed just before we would fall asleep he would lift the blankets and be like "come cuddle in" it's what he called snuggling...must be a Canadian thing..)*sigh*
Listening to Third Eye Blind while getting all your feelings out is probably the most depressing thing you can do...oh well...it is time to get dressed, make myself look somewhat presentable, find my bestie Amanda, dash across the street to grab a coffee from Marcs and have a Skype date with Alyssa...
xoxo<3

The Island of Misfit Sluts...

This summer SUCKS.
I miss the people from last summer. The money. The memories all of it. I went home for a few days last week and spent time with the family. It was SO nice to get off this rock for a few days. I have been here for just over a month and when you are here for that long without getting off (pun intended) it can start to drive you crazy. So getting off island for a few days and poisioning my brain with car fumes was quite nice. Speaking of getting off. I had sex in front of the Grand Hotel during a thunderstorm Monday night. IT WAS EPIC. It was like something that they show in a movie. The downpour, the thunder, the lightening, all of it. What they don't show in the movies is how shitty you feel the next day. I had a fever of like 100, sneezing coughing, sore throat, the whole kit and caboodle. Oh well. I still feel like ass but it was totally worth it!
I went to my first Pampered Chef party last night. It was pretty cool. If only I hadn't sent my check home on Monday I would have been able to buy some more. But I got some ideas of what I would like to accesorize my kitchen with one day. SPEAKING OF! I got a call today from my landlord and I GOT MY APARTMENT! Last week when I was home she took me down to another complex that she managaes in Muir, and showed me an adorable 1 bedroom apartment! AND! I GOT IT! Yey! I'm SO excited. I am going to live on my own again! Well this is the first time that I am going to be totally alone. When I first left the house I was living in a dorm with 3 other girls, then I went into a townhouse with 3 other girls and my boyfriend, then he and I moved back to my house (which was empty because my mom couldn't stand living in the house that her husband died in, I thought it was kinda comforting but oh well) then we lived with his mom and stepdad (kiss of death to our relationship), then when we broke up I moved back in with my mom, and now 2 years later I am FREE!!!! YEY!
So when I get back from the Island I have to go meet with a counsler at school on the 23, sign up for classes, start taking them, and then move before September first. Yey being busy! I am so excited to move. I love my mom and all, but I am going to be 23, it is time that LaVern and I move on with our lives. So this way I will be going to school, hopefully working, and then I will be closer to my Nan who lives like 15 minutes from my apartment, so if she needs help with anything I will be there for her.
Welllll...I think that it is time to go make myself some dinner and see what is on the agenda for the evening...I'm thinking after dinner I will lock myself in Batcave #3 and finish my Harry Potter book...(LOVE this series! Probably the best ones I've read)
<3 kiddos!

Summer 2010 thus far...

Well I have been on Mackinac Island for almost a month. It has been interesting to say the least. I have been "dating" Sean for almost 2 months and I have not been able to get ahold of him for the past 3 days. The last time I talked to him, he was packing because he had to be out of the house by Monday (tomorrow). That was on Thursday night. Today is Sunday and I have not heard anything from him. And it is not like Sean at all to not get ahold of me for days on end. I am talking about a guy who will call me multiple times a day while I am at work and text me all day and then we will talk several times at night. So I am starting to freak out just a little bit. I have talked to his aunt who he was living with and she says that she has not talked to him but she is sure that he is fine. I have talked to his brother and he said that he talked to him 2 days ago and he was fine but he has not talked to him since and he does not know where he is. I even texted his mom and told her that I had not heard from him and that I was worried and she has not gotten back to me. I am starting to freak out just a little. Really more than anything I am pissed off. Being pissed is my way of being scared. I don't like to be scared. Not at all.

Ok that rant is over.

Since I am on the Island I am living in what could possibly be an upscale Crack House. HATE CORBY HEIGHTS. I am in the same room as last year with the same wonderful roomie. The girls that we are living with are IDIOTS. Like DUMB DUMB DUMB. Oh well, I miss last summer, well the season. The business, the girls, the money, and well that is about it. And most of all we miss ALYSSA! One of the things that I did not miss and I wish that I did not have to deal with at all is seeing Tom. I see him damn near everyday. The other day I hit my breaking point when I saw him. At the same time that he was going by on his carriage, I was looking up out of the window and he was looking in and we made eye contact and the song Who Knew by Pink was on and I just lost it. On a poster that Amanda has it says "You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story." I honestly feel that way about Tom. I can go months without thinking about him but I know that he is always there in my heart and I feel like he always will be. I just wish that we could talk. Because of everything that we went through I miss my friend. The talks that we used to have. I miss him. And I don't think that he knows that. I don't get it...maybe I never will.
I sure am glad that I am going home for a few days here in a week so I can get off this Island. After a while it just takes your head, puts it in a blender and hits the puree button and laughs while it watches you lose your mind. Beautiful place this Island is but she is one nasty bitch.