This is my third summer on Mackinac Island. Well, technically it's my forth, but I don't count the first one since I was here for a week and went home. So, it's my third. I am with the same company that I have been with since I got up here. Ryba's Fudge Shops.
In a nut shell, I work for Satan and I live in the bowels of hell. I hate it. So much. After last season I said that I wasn't going to come back. I had no intentions of it whatsoever. Then I got my contract in the mail this past winter and thought "what the hell, it's a job, it's better than doing nothing and my unemployment is going to run out around the time that they want me to come back". So I emailed the HR guy and asked him for better housing, said that I couldn't get it. So, I am in a dorm style house with a bunch of girls who seem to be getting younger and younger year after year. Luckily I have an awesome roommate. I knew her last summer, and when she got asked back she asked me if I was going back and we decided that we wanted to live together and not run the risk of getting a psycho roommate or anything like that.
So I sent my contract back in and waited for May 6 to get here.
It got here and I didn't want to leave. But Dave and I packed my car and we drove up here. And then I had to leave him. Got over here and settled in and got my work schedule for the week and started working. Then Dave came up on the 12...so not even a week after me, and it's is SO nice to have him here...to be able to see him instead of having to Skype him..it's such a relief.
But I think I have out grown this place. I am here for my third summer with this company and I am dealing with drunken girls who don't know how to handle their booze..a house mom who has curfews in place...I'm not 19, I don't need someone telling me what I can and can't do. I got a raise though. It's was .25. Yes, a QUARTER. A quarter after 3 years of being with these people...I hate it. We have too many girls working here, I'm not getting the hours I should be getting, it's just a pain in the ass. I miss home. I miss my apartment, I miss my cat, my dog, my life back in my apartment with Dave. He even misses it too.
I talked to my mom last night and she said that she was surprised that I even came up here. It's not like I am going to quit tomorrow or anything, I just need to go in and talk to my manager and see if there are going to fire and of the girls...if we are going to get more hours...and explain to her how I am feeling about it all and see where I go from there.
Growing up isn't at all what you would have thought it would be. The decisions you have to make are some of the hardest ever, and not knowing if they are the right ones makes it even worse. Ugh.
<3
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I feel like John Mayer...
In the sense that I am having a quarter life crisis.
So I woke up this afternoon to my mom hollering in my room "ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP ALL DAY". Why, Yes mom I intend on it. Nope. I get up and call the boss lady. She was up picking up her kid from school. I guess they had a half day or some shit like that. Then, she said that she was sore and wasn't going to be doing anything serious on her house. Ok, no work for me.
So I am sitting here in my mom's 2 bedroom apartment, with no work to do today, no job, and no school.
I was so looking forward to going to school when I was on the Island. I know whatever the shit happened with my financial aid. It happens. I just feel like I'm sitting back watching all my friends and their lives pass me by. Like I feel like here I am at the point where I actually want to go out and get my shit done with school. And sitting around waiting for the winter semester to start so I can go back. And. If I do go back to MCC in the winter, since whatever happened with my financial aid, I can only take like 6-8 credits. NO. I want to take like 12-15 and get this shit done. I am SO tired of feeling like a one legged duck swimming in circles.
So when I got home and I went to pay my phone bill, the lady told me that she wanted me to get my resume to her, so I do, she gets me in there for an interview ASAP, so I do and what not, and throughout the interview she is telling me things that corporate is going to want to hear, and she is telling me that she wants me to get the job and what not, so the way that she makes it sound I am going to get in there and I am going to have a job like NOW. Well here we are like 2 weeks later, and NOTHING. I called her this morning and she said that she hasn't heard anything from him, and that today has been super busy and she is going to get an email or something out to him like today. Ok, well go ahead and take your time, because here I am sitting here feeling like I am going CRAZY.
And. To add fuel to this fire.
I was So excited on the Island to get my apartment in Muir. Well I am, like whatever the thought of actually FINALLY getting out and having a place of my own does make me EXCITED. But like here I am sitting at my moms place, and I have this place all to my self sitting empty 45 minutes away. :(
I am so confused. I want to shop. But I know retail therapy is going to do nothing, but empty my wallet and give me things that I don't really need, but it is going to give me that instant gratification that I feel like I need right now. UGH. I hate this feeling.
And I am filling out an application to the complex that my mom lives in for a one bedroom place, and I am to the part where I need the office managers help, and she has the most scattered brained office hours EVER.
I feel like I did when my stepdad was sick and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and cry until I fell asleep and then once I did I slept ALL THE TIME. And I don't want to go back down that spiral. Because I was REALLY sick then, I had a super bad anxiety disorder and I was so depressed that I lost my life (not literally, but I dropped out of school and completely withdrew myself from the relationship that I was building with my roommates and all but told them to fuck off), I don't want to do that again, mostly because I don't have health insurance and I can't do to the doctor and what not. UGH.
I can't take this feeling. I have swallowed hard like 10 times since I've been writing this message so I don't start bawling my eyes out. It's not that things are going bad or wrong or anything, I just feel like nothing is going right either.
And to top it off, the other night I was dreaming of Tom ALL night. I don't dream of him at all, and the last time I was dreaming of him all night was a few years ago, and after he called me and we got back together. And in this dream he was down here and he kept telling me how much he loves me and how he always has and always will, and that the best will come after he gets back (he is going to Ireland for 3 months in November).
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
I want to take a sleeping pill and curl up in bed, turn on John Mayer or Bob Segar or The Doors (hell why not all 3) and just cry until I can't cry anymore.
I HATE THIS FEELING.
So I woke up this afternoon to my mom hollering in my room "ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP ALL DAY". Why, Yes mom I intend on it. Nope. I get up and call the boss lady. She was up picking up her kid from school. I guess they had a half day or some shit like that. Then, she said that she was sore and wasn't going to be doing anything serious on her house. Ok, no work for me.
So I am sitting here in my mom's 2 bedroom apartment, with no work to do today, no job, and no school.
I was so looking forward to going to school when I was on the Island. I know whatever the shit happened with my financial aid. It happens. I just feel like I'm sitting back watching all my friends and their lives pass me by. Like I feel like here I am at the point where I actually want to go out and get my shit done with school. And sitting around waiting for the winter semester to start so I can go back. And. If I do go back to MCC in the winter, since whatever happened with my financial aid, I can only take like 6-8 credits. NO. I want to take like 12-15 and get this shit done. I am SO tired of feeling like a one legged duck swimming in circles.
So when I got home and I went to pay my phone bill, the lady told me that she wanted me to get my resume to her, so I do, she gets me in there for an interview ASAP, so I do and what not, and throughout the interview she is telling me things that corporate is going to want to hear, and she is telling me that she wants me to get the job and what not, so the way that she makes it sound I am going to get in there and I am going to have a job like NOW. Well here we are like 2 weeks later, and NOTHING. I called her this morning and she said that she hasn't heard anything from him, and that today has been super busy and she is going to get an email or something out to him like today. Ok, well go ahead and take your time, because here I am sitting here feeling like I am going CRAZY.
And. To add fuel to this fire.
I was So excited on the Island to get my apartment in Muir. Well I am, like whatever the thought of actually FINALLY getting out and having a place of my own does make me EXCITED. But like here I am sitting at my moms place, and I have this place all to my self sitting empty 45 minutes away. :(
I am so confused. I want to shop. But I know retail therapy is going to do nothing, but empty my wallet and give me things that I don't really need, but it is going to give me that instant gratification that I feel like I need right now. UGH. I hate this feeling.
And I am filling out an application to the complex that my mom lives in for a one bedroom place, and I am to the part where I need the office managers help, and she has the most scattered brained office hours EVER.
I feel like I did when my stepdad was sick and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and cry until I fell asleep and then once I did I slept ALL THE TIME. And I don't want to go back down that spiral. Because I was REALLY sick then, I had a super bad anxiety disorder and I was so depressed that I lost my life (not literally, but I dropped out of school and completely withdrew myself from the relationship that I was building with my roommates and all but told them to fuck off), I don't want to do that again, mostly because I don't have health insurance and I can't do to the doctor and what not. UGH.
I can't take this feeling. I have swallowed hard like 10 times since I've been writing this message so I don't start bawling my eyes out. It's not that things are going bad or wrong or anything, I just feel like nothing is going right either.
And to top it off, the other night I was dreaming of Tom ALL night. I don't dream of him at all, and the last time I was dreaming of him all night was a few years ago, and after he called me and we got back together. And in this dream he was down here and he kept telling me how much he loves me and how he always has and always will, and that the best will come after he gets back (he is going to Ireland for 3 months in November).
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
I want to take a sleeping pill and curl up in bed, turn on John Mayer or Bob Segar or The Doors (hell why not all 3) and just cry until I can't cry anymore.
I HATE THIS FEELING.
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