Yes please.
So. Tom and I have been talking. He asked me to go to Ireland with him. I was flabbergasted. He is going in March. And last that I knew, he is going to be gone for 3 months. Backpacking.
I have been to Ireland before. It was amazing. One of the most beautiful places that I have been. You think that you know what the color green is, you have no idea unless you have been to Ireland. It's called the Emerald Isle. When I was there they were saying that it is the land of 40 greens. It really is. I loved it.
But, when I was there, I was with the international studies club. And my mom was there. And we were going through the country on a schedule, from hotel to hotel. Museum to museum.
If I go with Tom. It's going to be backpacking. Maybe staying in a hostel or a B&B, but for the most part it's going to be in a tent. I want to go so bad. Not only will it be like me alone in a different country with Tom, but I am going to be doing something now that chances are I will never be able to do again. I am going to be 23. Why would I not go? If I don't I am going to be wondering for my whole life, what would have happened if I would have went. This is something that I can't pass up. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
And I am going to take it.
:)
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I feel like John Mayer...
In the sense that I am having a quarter life crisis.
So I woke up this afternoon to my mom hollering in my room "ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP ALL DAY". Why, Yes mom I intend on it. Nope. I get up and call the boss lady. She was up picking up her kid from school. I guess they had a half day or some shit like that. Then, she said that she was sore and wasn't going to be doing anything serious on her house. Ok, no work for me.
So I am sitting here in my mom's 2 bedroom apartment, with no work to do today, no job, and no school.
I was so looking forward to going to school when I was on the Island. I know whatever the shit happened with my financial aid. It happens. I just feel like I'm sitting back watching all my friends and their lives pass me by. Like I feel like here I am at the point where I actually want to go out and get my shit done with school. And sitting around waiting for the winter semester to start so I can go back. And. If I do go back to MCC in the winter, since whatever happened with my financial aid, I can only take like 6-8 credits. NO. I want to take like 12-15 and get this shit done. I am SO tired of feeling like a one legged duck swimming in circles.
So when I got home and I went to pay my phone bill, the lady told me that she wanted me to get my resume to her, so I do, she gets me in there for an interview ASAP, so I do and what not, and throughout the interview she is telling me things that corporate is going to want to hear, and she is telling me that she wants me to get the job and what not, so the way that she makes it sound I am going to get in there and I am going to have a job like NOW. Well here we are like 2 weeks later, and NOTHING. I called her this morning and she said that she hasn't heard anything from him, and that today has been super busy and she is going to get an email or something out to him like today. Ok, well go ahead and take your time, because here I am sitting here feeling like I am going CRAZY.
And. To add fuel to this fire.
I was So excited on the Island to get my apartment in Muir. Well I am, like whatever the thought of actually FINALLY getting out and having a place of my own does make me EXCITED. But like here I am sitting at my moms place, and I have this place all to my self sitting empty 45 minutes away. :(
I am so confused. I want to shop. But I know retail therapy is going to do nothing, but empty my wallet and give me things that I don't really need, but it is going to give me that instant gratification that I feel like I need right now. UGH. I hate this feeling.
And I am filling out an application to the complex that my mom lives in for a one bedroom place, and I am to the part where I need the office managers help, and she has the most scattered brained office hours EVER.
I feel like I did when my stepdad was sick and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and cry until I fell asleep and then once I did I slept ALL THE TIME. And I don't want to go back down that spiral. Because I was REALLY sick then, I had a super bad anxiety disorder and I was so depressed that I lost my life (not literally, but I dropped out of school and completely withdrew myself from the relationship that I was building with my roommates and all but told them to fuck off), I don't want to do that again, mostly because I don't have health insurance and I can't do to the doctor and what not. UGH.
I can't take this feeling. I have swallowed hard like 10 times since I've been writing this message so I don't start bawling my eyes out. It's not that things are going bad or wrong or anything, I just feel like nothing is going right either.
And to top it off, the other night I was dreaming of Tom ALL night. I don't dream of him at all, and the last time I was dreaming of him all night was a few years ago, and after he called me and we got back together. And in this dream he was down here and he kept telling me how much he loves me and how he always has and always will, and that the best will come after he gets back (he is going to Ireland for 3 months in November).
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
I want to take a sleeping pill and curl up in bed, turn on John Mayer or Bob Segar or The Doors (hell why not all 3) and just cry until I can't cry anymore.
I HATE THIS FEELING.
So I woke up this afternoon to my mom hollering in my room "ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP ALL DAY". Why, Yes mom I intend on it. Nope. I get up and call the boss lady. She was up picking up her kid from school. I guess they had a half day or some shit like that. Then, she said that she was sore and wasn't going to be doing anything serious on her house. Ok, no work for me.
So I am sitting here in my mom's 2 bedroom apartment, with no work to do today, no job, and no school.
I was so looking forward to going to school when I was on the Island. I know whatever the shit happened with my financial aid. It happens. I just feel like I'm sitting back watching all my friends and their lives pass me by. Like I feel like here I am at the point where I actually want to go out and get my shit done with school. And sitting around waiting for the winter semester to start so I can go back. And. If I do go back to MCC in the winter, since whatever happened with my financial aid, I can only take like 6-8 credits. NO. I want to take like 12-15 and get this shit done. I am SO tired of feeling like a one legged duck swimming in circles.
So when I got home and I went to pay my phone bill, the lady told me that she wanted me to get my resume to her, so I do, she gets me in there for an interview ASAP, so I do and what not, and throughout the interview she is telling me things that corporate is going to want to hear, and she is telling me that she wants me to get the job and what not, so the way that she makes it sound I am going to get in there and I am going to have a job like NOW. Well here we are like 2 weeks later, and NOTHING. I called her this morning and she said that she hasn't heard anything from him, and that today has been super busy and she is going to get an email or something out to him like today. Ok, well go ahead and take your time, because here I am sitting here feeling like I am going CRAZY.
And. To add fuel to this fire.
I was So excited on the Island to get my apartment in Muir. Well I am, like whatever the thought of actually FINALLY getting out and having a place of my own does make me EXCITED. But like here I am sitting at my moms place, and I have this place all to my self sitting empty 45 minutes away. :(
I am so confused. I want to shop. But I know retail therapy is going to do nothing, but empty my wallet and give me things that I don't really need, but it is going to give me that instant gratification that I feel like I need right now. UGH. I hate this feeling.
And I am filling out an application to the complex that my mom lives in for a one bedroom place, and I am to the part where I need the office managers help, and she has the most scattered brained office hours EVER.
I feel like I did when my stepdad was sick and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and cry until I fell asleep and then once I did I slept ALL THE TIME. And I don't want to go back down that spiral. Because I was REALLY sick then, I had a super bad anxiety disorder and I was so depressed that I lost my life (not literally, but I dropped out of school and completely withdrew myself from the relationship that I was building with my roommates and all but told them to fuck off), I don't want to do that again, mostly because I don't have health insurance and I can't do to the doctor and what not. UGH.
I can't take this feeling. I have swallowed hard like 10 times since I've been writing this message so I don't start bawling my eyes out. It's not that things are going bad or wrong or anything, I just feel like nothing is going right either.
And to top it off, the other night I was dreaming of Tom ALL night. I don't dream of him at all, and the last time I was dreaming of him all night was a few years ago, and after he called me and we got back together. And in this dream he was down here and he kept telling me how much he loves me and how he always has and always will, and that the best will come after he gets back (he is going to Ireland for 3 months in November).
I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.
I want to take a sleeping pill and curl up in bed, turn on John Mayer or Bob Segar or The Doors (hell why not all 3) and just cry until I can't cry anymore.
I HATE THIS FEELING.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
THERE IS MORE TO COME!!
The past 2 weeks have been AMAZING. I now believe that sometimes people come back from the past because they are meant to be in your future. <3
Well I need to shower and get ready for bed. I have work early in the morning. I will write more later.
<3
Well I need to shower and get ready for bed. I have work early in the morning. I will write more later.
<3
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...
I swear this Island fucks with you...royally...all the time. Like really. If you are not working you are drinking. If you are not drinking you are fucking. Even if you are doing all of the three you are THINKING. I thought that my ex was full of shit when I came up here 3 summers ago and he told me that this Island gets to your head...turns out he wasn't. Of all the things to do thinking is the one that always happens...yes I know that you always have the chance to think and get your life straightened out in your head and what not, but I don't think you fully understand how much you are capabale of thinking until you do your time on Mackinac Island.
So I completly ended things with Sean when I was home a few weeks ago after weeks of not hearing from him. And then one day out of the blue when I was at work I got this random text message from a weird number. It was him. He sent me some crack pot apology. I waited a few hours THINKING it over. Then I called him when I was going on my lunch break and I was like what the hell were you thinking? I do appreciate the apology I honestly do, but I don't accept it...really you THINK that you can text me an apology after I open up to you, let you in, love you, and then you give me some lame ass excuse about being scared of your feelings and so you run from them...BULLSHIT. (Think Kate Hudson in How to lose a guy in 10 days). If there is something that everyone knows it's that you can't run from your problems. No matter what you do or where you go your problems are going to be right there with you in your HEAD where you do damn near all of your thinking...So I talked to him for a while and then I was like peace out I have to do my lunch break thing. Then I was talking to him later that night and he was like well I love you and I am going to do whatever I can to prove to you that we can be together and we can work and bla bla bla and then he was giving me this bullshit line about how he has let God back into his life and how he is changing and he is going to be this that and the other thing and that he has got his own place and that he is growing up because he is fighting for his son and bla bla bla and how he needs me in his life and how I didn't want the old him, but the thing is that I don't think I want the new one either.
He may be making all these changes but you can't change who you really are. Like my Nan says a Leopard might be able to hide its coat but it never loses its spots. I do want to be in a relationship and with someone but I want that person to be here with me, to have their license, to have a decent car, to have a job, to not have kids. I know that this sounds selfish, I do love kids, I want kids, do I want to be with someone who has them so that I will always play second fiddle to them? FUCK NO. If the house is on fire I want to be the first person you run to get out. Not the second. It may sound incredibly cruel or whatever, but I do not want to the second person is someones life..and as long as I am with Sean or whatever I am never going to be first in his life. And to put the icing on the cake of whatever with Sean, I am an incredibly jealous person. He has a son, Jordyn has a mom, his mom is Sean's ex. Jordyn is like 4ish I think, so Sean has AT LEAST another 14 or 15 years of dealing with his psycho ex. NOPE. That's a few too many years for me. Maybe I am a little jaded from dealing with past boyfriends and their exs to be comfortable with Sean and Sunny talking and what not, well hell he is the one that went over there and "slept in her bed with Jordyn and she slept on the floor" BULLSHIT. When we were dating you went over there and fucked your ex.
I just don't understand how he can think that he can play with my like a yo-yo. You can't be with someone, tell them that you love them, make all these promises to them, and then just throw them to the side like a piece of old chewing gum. It doesn't work like that. So the other night when I was talking to him I was crying, not because I was sad, because I was or am frustrated. I honestly don't know what he wants me to do. So I gave him my address up here, told him that by the end of the week I expect something in the mail from him and in 2 weeks time something EPIC better happen. If he wants to be with me, that fucker is going to prove just how much he is willing to take.
Yes I am being a bitch. Yes I am going to make him jump through hoops, yes he is going to dance like a little fucking monkey. Am I bored on this Island? Quite possibly. But after all he has put me through I feel like I am entitled to being the biggest bitch that he has ever encountered. Am I going to get back with him? Probably not. Wait, there is no probably. I'm not. He was a waste of my time for a month and a half. Nothing good came from being with him. Well I guess I can't say that. You take something from every relationship that you are in whether it be good or bad, I guess I am just so mad still that I am still seeing red about the whole thing.
Also being on an Island with your ex, and seeing him EVERYDAY DEFINATLY makes you think. Working at the store that I do, guess who I get to see whenever I look up out my window....ding ding ding TOM! There have been times when I am opening my store and I see him coming down the hill I catch him looking around the store...then when his eyes find what they are looking for a smile comes across his face...so I don't know...I know that me being the person I am and having ALL this time on my hands that I do I am over analyzing EVERYTHING. I don't know...I am not mad anymore..more than anything I miss him...I want to talk to him...to see what is going on in his life, to talk about the things we used too...he has to remember the times that we had talks, that we were friends...when we used to laugh and joke...doesn't he? Or am I just the pathetic ex who spends her time thinking about what was...UGH this Island! When I am off Island I don't think like this. There are times off Island that I don't think about Tom at all. I miss those days. Seeing him, those dimples, knowing that we both are single, knowing how amazing the hate sex we could have would be...ohhhh how I hate this Island...actually it's a love hate thing.
I can't wait for it to be August 20. Your contract end date should be a legal holiday. It's probably the best day on the Island. I am going home, I am going to move into my apartment. YEY!!! Then Alyssa is going to come home and then her Amanda and I are going to have a reunion...YEYY!! And this time we aren't going to have to worry about the minors and shutting the place down at 11pm...HAHA...oh it should be a good time...
AALSO!!! My Canadian boyfriend from last summer Stephen is supposed to be coming up this Sunday to stay the night with me...oh god I hope he does...we had something last summer...when we would lay in bed at night we would talk about what we wanted and he would talk about us being together...I honestly thought and I told him and hell I still do think that he is the one person who could make me truly heart and soul move on from Tom. Things with Stephen were perfect. We made eachother laugh...the sex was amazing..we understood eachother..we are the same race (horrible to say, I know, and it being 2010, my family is REALLY old fashioned and I would be disowned if I married a man of a different race)..we are the same religion..we have the same beliefs...it just worked...it was so easy. So simple. I miss that. I miss getting out of work and him waiting for me outside the store to walk me to to (get this!) TWILIGHT. We watched that movie and like 10 minutes into it or whatever, he paused it looked at me and was like "Biscuit, we are in Twilight, you are as clumsy as Bella, and you always joke that I am your Edward, I think we were meant for eachother" IT WAS SOO CUTE...I playfully slapped him and told him to press play because I wanted to watch the movie...haha..then when he left he was like, "Now remember, I am leaving but I will be back for you, your my Bella. I won't be gone for long" Sappy and cheesy I know. But it meant something. AND!! Last night he told me that he loves me. I can't wait to see him...I just hope that he can actually come up..I miss my Biscuit...I need to cuddle in...(We call eachother Biscuit because our first date was at the Seabiscuit and he always said he was having a secret love affair with my ass...and when we would lay in bed just before we would fall asleep he would lift the blankets and be like "come cuddle in" it's what he called snuggling...must be a Canadian thing..)*sigh*
Listening to Third Eye Blind while getting all your feelings out is probably the most depressing thing you can do...oh well...it is time to get dressed, make myself look somewhat presentable, find my bestie Amanda, dash across the street to grab a coffee from Marcs and have a Skype date with Alyssa...
xoxo<3
So I completly ended things with Sean when I was home a few weeks ago after weeks of not hearing from him. And then one day out of the blue when I was at work I got this random text message from a weird number. It was him. He sent me some crack pot apology. I waited a few hours THINKING it over. Then I called him when I was going on my lunch break and I was like what the hell were you thinking? I do appreciate the apology I honestly do, but I don't accept it...really you THINK that you can text me an apology after I open up to you, let you in, love you, and then you give me some lame ass excuse about being scared of your feelings and so you run from them...BULLSHIT. (Think Kate Hudson in How to lose a guy in 10 days). If there is something that everyone knows it's that you can't run from your problems. No matter what you do or where you go your problems are going to be right there with you in your HEAD where you do damn near all of your thinking...So I talked to him for a while and then I was like peace out I have to do my lunch break thing. Then I was talking to him later that night and he was like well I love you and I am going to do whatever I can to prove to you that we can be together and we can work and bla bla bla and then he was giving me this bullshit line about how he has let God back into his life and how he is changing and he is going to be this that and the other thing and that he has got his own place and that he is growing up because he is fighting for his son and bla bla bla and how he needs me in his life and how I didn't want the old him, but the thing is that I don't think I want the new one either.
He may be making all these changes but you can't change who you really are. Like my Nan says a Leopard might be able to hide its coat but it never loses its spots. I do want to be in a relationship and with someone but I want that person to be here with me, to have their license, to have a decent car, to have a job, to not have kids. I know that this sounds selfish, I do love kids, I want kids, do I want to be with someone who has them so that I will always play second fiddle to them? FUCK NO. If the house is on fire I want to be the first person you run to get out. Not the second. It may sound incredibly cruel or whatever, but I do not want to the second person is someones life..and as long as I am with Sean or whatever I am never going to be first in his life. And to put the icing on the cake of whatever with Sean, I am an incredibly jealous person. He has a son, Jordyn has a mom, his mom is Sean's ex. Jordyn is like 4ish I think, so Sean has AT LEAST another 14 or 15 years of dealing with his psycho ex. NOPE. That's a few too many years for me. Maybe I am a little jaded from dealing with past boyfriends and their exs to be comfortable with Sean and Sunny talking and what not, well hell he is the one that went over there and "slept in her bed with Jordyn and she slept on the floor" BULLSHIT. When we were dating you went over there and fucked your ex.
I just don't understand how he can think that he can play with my like a yo-yo. You can't be with someone, tell them that you love them, make all these promises to them, and then just throw them to the side like a piece of old chewing gum. It doesn't work like that. So the other night when I was talking to him I was crying, not because I was sad, because I was or am frustrated. I honestly don't know what he wants me to do. So I gave him my address up here, told him that by the end of the week I expect something in the mail from him and in 2 weeks time something EPIC better happen. If he wants to be with me, that fucker is going to prove just how much he is willing to take.
Yes I am being a bitch. Yes I am going to make him jump through hoops, yes he is going to dance like a little fucking monkey. Am I bored on this Island? Quite possibly. But after all he has put me through I feel like I am entitled to being the biggest bitch that he has ever encountered. Am I going to get back with him? Probably not. Wait, there is no probably. I'm not. He was a waste of my time for a month and a half. Nothing good came from being with him. Well I guess I can't say that. You take something from every relationship that you are in whether it be good or bad, I guess I am just so mad still that I am still seeing red about the whole thing.
Also being on an Island with your ex, and seeing him EVERYDAY DEFINATLY makes you think. Working at the store that I do, guess who I get to see whenever I look up out my window....ding ding ding TOM! There have been times when I am opening my store and I see him coming down the hill I catch him looking around the store...then when his eyes find what they are looking for a smile comes across his face...so I don't know...I know that me being the person I am and having ALL this time on my hands that I do I am over analyzing EVERYTHING. I don't know...I am not mad anymore..more than anything I miss him...I want to talk to him...to see what is going on in his life, to talk about the things we used too...he has to remember the times that we had talks, that we were friends...when we used to laugh and joke...doesn't he? Or am I just the pathetic ex who spends her time thinking about what was...UGH this Island! When I am off Island I don't think like this. There are times off Island that I don't think about Tom at all. I miss those days. Seeing him, those dimples, knowing that we both are single, knowing how amazing the hate sex we could have would be...ohhhh how I hate this Island...actually it's a love hate thing.
I can't wait for it to be August 20. Your contract end date should be a legal holiday. It's probably the best day on the Island. I am going home, I am going to move into my apartment. YEY!!! Then Alyssa is going to come home and then her Amanda and I are going to have a reunion...YEYY!! And this time we aren't going to have to worry about the minors and shutting the place down at 11pm...HAHA...oh it should be a good time...
AALSO!!! My Canadian boyfriend from last summer Stephen is supposed to be coming up this Sunday to stay the night with me...oh god I hope he does...we had something last summer...when we would lay in bed at night we would talk about what we wanted and he would talk about us being together...I honestly thought and I told him and hell I still do think that he is the one person who could make me truly heart and soul move on from Tom. Things with Stephen were perfect. We made eachother laugh...the sex was amazing..we understood eachother..we are the same race (horrible to say, I know, and it being 2010, my family is REALLY old fashioned and I would be disowned if I married a man of a different race)..we are the same religion..we have the same beliefs...it just worked...it was so easy. So simple. I miss that. I miss getting out of work and him waiting for me outside the store to walk me to to (get this!) TWILIGHT. We watched that movie and like 10 minutes into it or whatever, he paused it looked at me and was like "Biscuit, we are in Twilight, you are as clumsy as Bella, and you always joke that I am your Edward, I think we were meant for eachother" IT WAS SOO CUTE...I playfully slapped him and told him to press play because I wanted to watch the movie...haha..then when he left he was like, "Now remember, I am leaving but I will be back for you, your my Bella. I won't be gone for long" Sappy and cheesy I know. But it meant something. AND!! Last night he told me that he loves me. I can't wait to see him...I just hope that he can actually come up..I miss my Biscuit...I need to cuddle in...(We call eachother Biscuit because our first date was at the Seabiscuit and he always said he was having a secret love affair with my ass...and when we would lay in bed just before we would fall asleep he would lift the blankets and be like "come cuddle in" it's what he called snuggling...must be a Canadian thing..)*sigh*
Listening to Third Eye Blind while getting all your feelings out is probably the most depressing thing you can do...oh well...it is time to get dressed, make myself look somewhat presentable, find my bestie Amanda, dash across the street to grab a coffee from Marcs and have a Skype date with Alyssa...
xoxo<3
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Island of Misfit Sluts...
This summer SUCKS.
I miss the people from last summer. The money. The memories all of it. I went home for a few days last week and spent time with the family. It was SO nice to get off this rock for a few days. I have been here for just over a month and when you are here for that long without getting off (pun intended) it can start to drive you crazy. So getting off island for a few days and poisioning my brain with car fumes was quite nice. Speaking of getting off. I had sex in front of the Grand Hotel during a thunderstorm Monday night. IT WAS EPIC. It was like something that they show in a movie. The downpour, the thunder, the lightening, all of it. What they don't show in the movies is how shitty you feel the next day. I had a fever of like 100, sneezing coughing, sore throat, the whole kit and caboodle. Oh well. I still feel like ass but it was totally worth it!
I went to my first Pampered Chef party last night. It was pretty cool. If only I hadn't sent my check home on Monday I would have been able to buy some more. But I got some ideas of what I would like to accesorize my kitchen with one day. SPEAKING OF! I got a call today from my landlord and I GOT MY APARTMENT! Last week when I was home she took me down to another complex that she managaes in Muir, and showed me an adorable 1 bedroom apartment! AND! I GOT IT! Yey! I'm SO excited. I am going to live on my own again! Well this is the first time that I am going to be totally alone. When I first left the house I was living in a dorm with 3 other girls, then I went into a townhouse with 3 other girls and my boyfriend, then he and I moved back to my house (which was empty because my mom couldn't stand living in the house that her husband died in, I thought it was kinda comforting but oh well) then we lived with his mom and stepdad (kiss of death to our relationship), then when we broke up I moved back in with my mom, and now 2 years later I am FREE!!!! YEY!
So when I get back from the Island I have to go meet with a counsler at school on the 23, sign up for classes, start taking them, and then move before September first. Yey being busy! I am so excited to move. I love my mom and all, but I am going to be 23, it is time that LaVern and I move on with our lives. So this way I will be going to school, hopefully working, and then I will be closer to my Nan who lives like 15 minutes from my apartment, so if she needs help with anything I will be there for her.
Welllll...I think that it is time to go make myself some dinner and see what is on the agenda for the evening...I'm thinking after dinner I will lock myself in Batcave #3 and finish my Harry Potter book...(LOVE this series! Probably the best ones I've read)
<3 kiddos!
I miss the people from last summer. The money. The memories all of it. I went home for a few days last week and spent time with the family. It was SO nice to get off this rock for a few days. I have been here for just over a month and when you are here for that long without getting off (pun intended) it can start to drive you crazy. So getting off island for a few days and poisioning my brain with car fumes was quite nice. Speaking of getting off. I had sex in front of the Grand Hotel during a thunderstorm Monday night. IT WAS EPIC. It was like something that they show in a movie. The downpour, the thunder, the lightening, all of it. What they don't show in the movies is how shitty you feel the next day. I had a fever of like 100, sneezing coughing, sore throat, the whole kit and caboodle. Oh well. I still feel like ass but it was totally worth it!
I went to my first Pampered Chef party last night. It was pretty cool. If only I hadn't sent my check home on Monday I would have been able to buy some more. But I got some ideas of what I would like to accesorize my kitchen with one day. SPEAKING OF! I got a call today from my landlord and I GOT MY APARTMENT! Last week when I was home she took me down to another complex that she managaes in Muir, and showed me an adorable 1 bedroom apartment! AND! I GOT IT! Yey! I'm SO excited. I am going to live on my own again! Well this is the first time that I am going to be totally alone. When I first left the house I was living in a dorm with 3 other girls, then I went into a townhouse with 3 other girls and my boyfriend, then he and I moved back to my house (which was empty because my mom couldn't stand living in the house that her husband died in, I thought it was kinda comforting but oh well) then we lived with his mom and stepdad (kiss of death to our relationship), then when we broke up I moved back in with my mom, and now 2 years later I am FREE!!!! YEY!
So when I get back from the Island I have to go meet with a counsler at school on the 23, sign up for classes, start taking them, and then move before September first. Yey being busy! I am so excited to move. I love my mom and all, but I am going to be 23, it is time that LaVern and I move on with our lives. So this way I will be going to school, hopefully working, and then I will be closer to my Nan who lives like 15 minutes from my apartment, so if she needs help with anything I will be there for her.
Welllll...I think that it is time to go make myself some dinner and see what is on the agenda for the evening...I'm thinking after dinner I will lock myself in Batcave #3 and finish my Harry Potter book...(LOVE this series! Probably the best ones I've read)
<3 kiddos!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Summer 2010 thus far...
Well I have been on Mackinac Island for almost a month. It has been interesting to say the least. I have been "dating" Sean for almost 2 months and I have not been able to get ahold of him for the past 3 days. The last time I talked to him, he was packing because he had to be out of the house by Monday (tomorrow). That was on Thursday night. Today is Sunday and I have not heard anything from him. And it is not like Sean at all to not get ahold of me for days on end. I am talking about a guy who will call me multiple times a day while I am at work and text me all day and then we will talk several times at night. So I am starting to freak out just a little bit. I have talked to his aunt who he was living with and she says that she has not talked to him but she is sure that he is fine. I have talked to his brother and he said that he talked to him 2 days ago and he was fine but he has not talked to him since and he does not know where he is. I even texted his mom and told her that I had not heard from him and that I was worried and she has not gotten back to me. I am starting to freak out just a little. Really more than anything I am pissed off. Being pissed is my way of being scared. I don't like to be scared. Not at all.
Ok that rant is over.
Since I am on the Island I am living in what could possibly be an upscale Crack House. HATE CORBY HEIGHTS. I am in the same room as last year with the same wonderful roomie. The girls that we are living with are IDIOTS. Like DUMB DUMB DUMB. Oh well, I miss last summer, well the season. The business, the girls, the money, and well that is about it. And most of all we miss ALYSSA! One of the things that I did not miss and I wish that I did not have to deal with at all is seeing Tom. I see him damn near everyday. The other day I hit my breaking point when I saw him. At the same time that he was going by on his carriage, I was looking up out of the window and he was looking in and we made eye contact and the song Who Knew by Pink was on and I just lost it. On a poster that Amanda has it says "You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story." I honestly feel that way about Tom. I can go months without thinking about him but I know that he is always there in my heart and I feel like he always will be. I just wish that we could talk. Because of everything that we went through I miss my friend. The talks that we used to have. I miss him. And I don't think that he knows that. I don't get it...maybe I never will.
I sure am glad that I am going home for a few days here in a week so I can get off this Island. After a while it just takes your head, puts it in a blender and hits the puree button and laughs while it watches you lose your mind. Beautiful place this Island is but she is one nasty bitch.
Ok that rant is over.
Since I am on the Island I am living in what could possibly be an upscale Crack House. HATE CORBY HEIGHTS. I am in the same room as last year with the same wonderful roomie. The girls that we are living with are IDIOTS. Like DUMB DUMB DUMB. Oh well, I miss last summer, well the season. The business, the girls, the money, and well that is about it. And most of all we miss ALYSSA! One of the things that I did not miss and I wish that I did not have to deal with at all is seeing Tom. I see him damn near everyday. The other day I hit my breaking point when I saw him. At the same time that he was going by on his carriage, I was looking up out of the window and he was looking in and we made eye contact and the song Who Knew by Pink was on and I just lost it. On a poster that Amanda has it says "You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story." I honestly feel that way about Tom. I can go months without thinking about him but I know that he is always there in my heart and I feel like he always will be. I just wish that we could talk. Because of everything that we went through I miss my friend. The talks that we used to have. I miss him. And I don't think that he knows that. I don't get it...maybe I never will.
I sure am glad that I am going home for a few days here in a week so I can get off this Island. After a while it just takes your head, puts it in a blender and hits the puree button and laughs while it watches you lose your mind. Beautiful place this Island is but she is one nasty bitch.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Nope...
On Monday I was thinking boyfriend or no boyfriend...no boyfriend.
There was just WAYYY too much drama in the beginning...I don't know why but I am drawn like a moth to a light to guys that I feel like I can fix. I know its not something that I do intentionally, but if I feel like there is something that needs to be fixed, yeap, I will want to be with you. John Mayer was right, Im stealing cleaning up the mess that my dad made when he left. When daddy walks out he is setting up his little girl for a lifetime of fixing, needing to be the protector, wanting to help EVERYONE, putting everyones needs before hers. Thanks dad.
Oh well, so I'm single again, wooo...truth be told I am making leaps and bounds in getting over Tom, but I do miss him TONS, really I just miss my best friend. The friendship that I had with him was amazing, I miss that. Oh well, I am leaving for Mackinac on the 14, YEY! When the ferrys start running is when the FUN begins...
SUMMER 2010!!!
There was just WAYYY too much drama in the beginning...I don't know why but I am drawn like a moth to a light to guys that I feel like I can fix. I know its not something that I do intentionally, but if I feel like there is something that needs to be fixed, yeap, I will want to be with you. John Mayer was right, Im stealing cleaning up the mess that my dad made when he left. When daddy walks out he is setting up his little girl for a lifetime of fixing, needing to be the protector, wanting to help EVERYONE, putting everyones needs before hers. Thanks dad.
Oh well, so I'm single again, wooo...truth be told I am making leaps and bounds in getting over Tom, but I do miss him TONS, really I just miss my best friend. The friendship that I had with him was amazing, I miss that. Oh well, I am leaving for Mackinac on the 14, YEY! When the ferrys start running is when the FUN begins...
SUMMER 2010!!!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Boyfiend or No Boyfriend...
Well last time I was wondering what to do about the 3 guys...well Chad Jensen is done for. He got drunk in the bar and called me a bitch and got in my face and was yelling at me, umm no thanks..then Sean and I have been hanging out, I spent last Saturday night at his place and he asked me to be his girlfriend, (I thought that I was in the 7th grade for a second, but then we did things that only people who are 22+ should be doing.)I said yes, whatever. Then on Tuesday he tells me that he has to go over to Bay City for court to get more time with his son. Alright not a problem, and then on Wednesday or Thursday I am talking to him and he is like oh well I wanted to tell you about what really happened when I went to court the other day, and I was like um? Well I thought that you had to go for time with Jordyn and what not, and he was like well yea, but there were some other things too, and he told me, that he had to go and the case was dismissed because there wasn't any evidence or whatever, well the case that was at hand here was his ex went all psycho crazy one night and threw him out and called the cops on him saying that he hit her and all what not.
Well, he said he didn't, his friend who was there and saw the whole thing said he didn't, she had nothing to prove that he did hurt her.
Well GREAT your name was cleared, the bigger picture here is that you lied to me about why you were going over there. THEN he gets mad at me and tells me that he needs to reevaluate our relationship because I wasn't overly joyous when his name was cleared, well yea I was happy for you, but I was a little more upset with the fact that you lied to me to be happy.
On Friday we are talking and whatever and he is liked well Jordyn called and wants me to come over today, and I am trying to find a ride over there. I was going to offer to take him over there, but then I didn't talk to him for a few hours and then he texted me at like 4 something and tells me that HIS EX CAME AND GOT HIM AND DROVE HIM TO SAGINAW TO SEE HIS SON. Ok, what is wrong with that? I get that she is his sons mother, yes they do have to talk to eachother and see eachother I do understand this, BUT HE SPENDS WAAAAYYY TOOOOO MUCH TIME WITH HER. He then tells me that his brother or sister is going to come get him and take him up to Bay City to hang out for the weekend. Ok, cool, I leave for Mackinac in weeks and here you are spending UNNECESSARY time with your ex. THANKS. So I get pissed and don't talk to him all night. (By now I have got pissed and selected 'single' on facebook.) He calls me on Saturday morning and tells me that he is getting ready to go watch his sons brother play soccer, I thought that this was odd because he was supposed to be in Bay City NOT Saginaw. Well turns out that no one could come get him and he spent the night with his ex, well that's ok because they had a sleepover and he slept with his son in his EXS bed, and she slept on the floor with her other kids. UMM OK? Then she gets mad at him for talking to me and he leaves and comes back to Lakeview.
So we talk about it and I explained to him how he would hate it if I had my ex come and get me and then tell him about it when I had been with Tom for 2+ hours, and then I tell him that I spent the night with him? And he was all like, well yea I understand and what not..BUT
I just don't know, I mean he is FUN to be around, he is SUPER cute, built like no other, just an absolute doll, he is SUPER complimentry, just a doll. AND, he is the first "boyfriend" I have had since Tom, and it is nice to be with someone who is comfortable. AND, he is good in bed, PLUS!!! SCORE!! So, I don't know, like today we were hanging out and ever since we have been "together" his best friend who is this SUPER fat girl, has been a BITCH to him and to me. I knew the first time that I met her that she didn't like me. This girl professed her love to him the day after he and I started dating. I told him I was like, "you have to deal with this now, because it will get UGLY fast if you are not careful, and I guarantee no matter what, with you telling her if you do/are not interested in her at all, it'll get ugly." So, he went out on a Sunday morning just after we all got done eating breakfast and talked to her for like a half hour and she cried and spilled her heart out to him.
Well today I was with him and we ran up to the Wesco store to get something and she was there and she texted him and was talking to him about something else that happened this weekend (I didn't ask because I didn't think it was my business), and when we got back to his aunts house I went in the bathroom and came back out and his aunt looked at me with his phone in her hand and was like, umm not cool and then I was like, what is going on? I mean when 2 of the 3 people in the room know what is going on and you don't you REALLY start to feel like the odd man out, so Kim was like you don't want to know what that said, and I was like Umm yea I do. So she tells me that this text message was from Savannah and she was like well good luck with your slut and what not. Then I was like well, "I'm sorry that she decided to profess her love to you the day after you start dating someone..." and now she's just being a stupid bitch. So he sent her a message and his aunt sent her one too that was saying like has no reason to talk about me like that, she hasn't even given me the chance to get to know her...so I don't know.
The moral to this is that I don't know if he is my boyfriend or not. I do like him, he is a GREAT guy but the unnecessary time that is being spent with his ex is something that I can't deal with. I was cheated on before, I know that I can't punish him for something that my ex did, but when he gives me a story that in itself is hard to believe, what do I do?
Boyfriend or No Boyfriend...
OH! The married guy, manfriend #3, things are GOOOOOOD!!!
Well, he said he didn't, his friend who was there and saw the whole thing said he didn't, she had nothing to prove that he did hurt her.
Well GREAT your name was cleared, the bigger picture here is that you lied to me about why you were going over there. THEN he gets mad at me and tells me that he needs to reevaluate our relationship because I wasn't overly joyous when his name was cleared, well yea I was happy for you, but I was a little more upset with the fact that you lied to me to be happy.
On Friday we are talking and whatever and he is liked well Jordyn called and wants me to come over today, and I am trying to find a ride over there. I was going to offer to take him over there, but then I didn't talk to him for a few hours and then he texted me at like 4 something and tells me that HIS EX CAME AND GOT HIM AND DROVE HIM TO SAGINAW TO SEE HIS SON. Ok, what is wrong with that? I get that she is his sons mother, yes they do have to talk to eachother and see eachother I do understand this, BUT HE SPENDS WAAAAYYY TOOOOO MUCH TIME WITH HER. He then tells me that his brother or sister is going to come get him and take him up to Bay City to hang out for the weekend. Ok, cool, I leave for Mackinac in weeks and here you are spending UNNECESSARY time with your ex. THANKS. So I get pissed and don't talk to him all night. (By now I have got pissed and selected 'single' on facebook.) He calls me on Saturday morning and tells me that he is getting ready to go watch his sons brother play soccer, I thought that this was odd because he was supposed to be in Bay City NOT Saginaw. Well turns out that no one could come get him and he spent the night with his ex, well that's ok because they had a sleepover and he slept with his son in his EXS bed, and she slept on the floor with her other kids. UMM OK? Then she gets mad at him for talking to me and he leaves and comes back to Lakeview.
So we talk about it and I explained to him how he would hate it if I had my ex come and get me and then tell him about it when I had been with Tom for 2+ hours, and then I tell him that I spent the night with him? And he was all like, well yea I understand and what not..BUT
I just don't know, I mean he is FUN to be around, he is SUPER cute, built like no other, just an absolute doll, he is SUPER complimentry, just a doll. AND, he is the first "boyfriend" I have had since Tom, and it is nice to be with someone who is comfortable. AND, he is good in bed, PLUS!!! SCORE!! So, I don't know, like today we were hanging out and ever since we have been "together" his best friend who is this SUPER fat girl, has been a BITCH to him and to me. I knew the first time that I met her that she didn't like me. This girl professed her love to him the day after he and I started dating. I told him I was like, "you have to deal with this now, because it will get UGLY fast if you are not careful, and I guarantee no matter what, with you telling her if you do/are not interested in her at all, it'll get ugly." So, he went out on a Sunday morning just after we all got done eating breakfast and talked to her for like a half hour and she cried and spilled her heart out to him.
Well today I was with him and we ran up to the Wesco store to get something and she was there and she texted him and was talking to him about something else that happened this weekend (I didn't ask because I didn't think it was my business), and when we got back to his aunts house I went in the bathroom and came back out and his aunt looked at me with his phone in her hand and was like, umm not cool and then I was like, what is going on? I mean when 2 of the 3 people in the room know what is going on and you don't you REALLY start to feel like the odd man out, so Kim was like you don't want to know what that said, and I was like Umm yea I do. So she tells me that this text message was from Savannah and she was like well good luck with your slut and what not. Then I was like well, "I'm sorry that she decided to profess her love to you the day after you start dating someone..." and now she's just being a stupid bitch. So he sent her a message and his aunt sent her one too that was saying like has no reason to talk about me like that, she hasn't even given me the chance to get to know her...so I don't know.
The moral to this is that I don't know if he is my boyfriend or not. I do like him, he is a GREAT guy but the unnecessary time that is being spent with his ex is something that I can't deal with. I was cheated on before, I know that I can't punish him for something that my ex did, but when he gives me a story that in itself is hard to believe, what do I do?
Boyfriend or No Boyfriend...
OH! The married guy, manfriend #3, things are GOOOOOOD!!!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
1,2,3
Oh my babies...Have no fear, I have not left you...
I've just been REALLY busy...Tons of things are going on and I'm in the middle of all of them! Trying to get everything around for school to finish up for the semester...thinking about going back to Mackinac Island for the summer...what I am going to do with the 3 (yes 3) men in my life when I do go up....OHHH DECISIONS!!!
SO. Manfriend #1 Chad Jensen
He looks good on paper...just not in person. He is 32 will be 33 this year. Single. White. Male. BEAUTIFUL truck. Nice house. GREAT job. He travels for work. So that means I could stay home OR go out with him wherever he is. He makes a BOAT load of money. He spoils me rotten. He dated a friend. I've heard he's hung like no other (size matters.) and is amazing in bed.
BUT!!
He is an ass when he drinks. ALWAYS picks a fight with me about EVERYTHING when he is drunk. He is REALLY insecure (NOT COOL). He has jacked up skin and teeth. I am not judging because before I had braces my teeth looked like butt, BUT his are stained and it looks like he hasn't been to the dentist in like 10 years, and his SKIN!! (AHHHHHH!!!!!!) First off, when you are "dating" someone you should want to caress their skin and touch their face and kiss their cheeks..yea NO. When he was in high school he had REALLY bad acne (I've had some blemishes, I know what it is like to have a problem zit) but his was so bad that his face is scarred and its redder than a fat foxes ass and he has rosatia...it's just not the face that I want to cuddle up next to and smother with kisses....when I think about touching his face my skin crawls...I DON'T THINK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!
He just, looks good on paper..he is a nice guy, but there isn't a physical attraction. I don't get the urge AT ALL to jump his bones and just ravish him..when I am with other guys, there is that connection, his BEST friend throws me against the wall (forcefully but not abusive) pulls my hair, DOESN'T say that he wants to kiss me passionatly, HE DOES IT. Don't tell the girl that you are "dating" that you want to kiss her passionatly. Don't let her feel you shake when you hug her. Don't be nervous around her. Chances are, she is wishing that you WOULD. Kiss her passionatly, don't tell her about it. GOD! It's SIMPLE! Girls are the ones that are supposed to be scared and nervous, BE THE MAN, GRAB HER BY THE BALLS AND TAKE CHARGE!!!
Sorry about the little rant there.
But, seriously, Chad is a GREAT friend. I could call him whenever and ask him for anything and he would do it. But I guess what the problem is, is that I don't feel the same for him as he does for me and I have drug this out for as long as I can. I do feel bad, I mean I have gave him the run around for MONTHS. Made him think that there was a chance when I knew deep down in my heart that he didn't have an ice cubes chance in hell. Yes I know that I am playing a game of cat and mouse, well the cat is bored and is going to let the mouse go. But, in my defense, it is the off season for work, school is going fine, work is GREAT, home life is good, I am just bored. I've been single for a while now, and I've been trying my feet in the dating pool. Now I know that there is someone out there who WON'T let me completly walk all over him and he WILL put me in my place. And that's something else about Chad, he has let me walk all over him, ipso facto, I have no respect for him. It's not fun. Well it is, but, UGH!
I mean he is a great friend, I know that if I were to be with him that I would get everything I want/need. It's just, not there, we are to the point where it's like shit or get off the pot. I want him as a friend, but I don't think that we can be friends. For Christmas he burnt me a John Mayer CD, and one of the songs on it was Friends Lovers or Nothing. If that song makes you wonder what you and your "girl" are, BAD SIGN BOB!! I know he wants us to be lovers. He tells me that he loves me all the time. I know he does, I just don't want it.
Funny, I was wondering what I was going to do when I go back up north, I'm going to do nothing. He is in friends zone. Actually he drove himself there and parked it this weekend. I chose not to go out with him on Saturday night (4.10.10) and he ended up taking a girl home with him on Friday AND Saturday. NOPE. Not going to deal with that when I ask him if there is anything that he wants to tell me about and he knows exactly what I am talking about and does not tell me. Nope. Not dealing with that.
I have been wondering for a while now if I was going to have to be the bad guy and hurt his feelings, but he just did the dirty work for me. Easy as pie.
Manfriend #2 Sean Cole
Sean. Tall. 23. Has a 3 year old son. Skinny. RIPPED. MMA fighter. Talented. ADORABLE. *sigh* He is just ADORABLE. I can't stand it. But the only thing that MIGHT make someone gasp is he's black. When I look at him I don't see black. He is white to me.
Sean is a breath of fresh air. He is someone that I wasn't expecting to meet, our meeting was chance. He is just, comfortable. Everything that Sean is, Chad is not. When I am around Sean I don't care if my shirt is clinging to a roll (I HATE being fat), I am comfortable around him. AND, check for Chad, I even told him once that I am not comfortable around him, when I hang out with him alone I make an excuse to leave. NOT COOL. BUT back to Sean. His family is awesome. I know it's because this is something new, and we are still in the stage where neither one of us burps or farts, and everything is rainbows and skittles. I know that this will pass, BUT! I am leaving for Mackinac on May 14, and even though I do plan on taking my car up there, I don't plan on coming home all the time, so I may get to see him like once a month (which I hope I can, because then I can come home and hook up with Chad Rosset and watch the MMA fights that Sean is in, he was in one this past Saturday and WON!! He's REALLY talented) So, since we do have an "expiration" date, things will stay skittles and rainbows, and we can talk and what not while I am gone. I just don't know how well this is going to work out because I am liking him more than what I thought I was going to already and I do have the time to like someone, and I know how I am...eek...I think I have a crush...BUT I am ready for it because this June it'll be 2 years that I have been single and I'm ready to get into the dating pool again. I am almost 23 years old...soon the clock will be ticking...
Manfriend #3 Chad Rosset
Short. Well, like 5.8ish.. Chad Jensens BEST FRIEND. Married. Kids. All in all, a snake with blue eyes. That familiar taste of poison. That apple that I shouldn't bite..yea a BAD IDEA. I know. It's just kinda nice. He is TOTALLY unattainable. I don't want him. Well I do in the sense that I want to have careless sex. But I don't want to date him. Why would I? He's fucking his bestfriends girl behind his back. He's CHEATING on his wife. Who would want to be with someone who is cheating? Because I don't care what he says, if he does it with you, he will do it to you. Mark my word kids. He is just so, easy. It's not complicated. Well it is to an extent, but there isn't a relationship. We both know what we want from the other person. Sex. I am using him and he is using me. And yes, I am playing with fire, but I am not adding gas to the fire... We have talked about when I go away, and I am going away. Since I am going to be taking my car and I do plan on coming home a few times, then we will hook up, if I don't, we don't. Not that hard. It's easy. All sex aside, we have a friendship. We can meet up at our spot and either talk for hours or we can have sex for hours. It goes either way. It's kinda nice. It's like having a boyfriend. Only it's 2, well 3, it was 2, spilt 2 ways. I have someone who will take me and spend me (Jensen), I have someone who is comfotable to be with(and new, so he's not really in this whole equation, Sean), and I have someone who I can have casual meaningless emotionless sex with (Rosset), and I don't know who if any of the 3 fart in their sleep. It's kinda nice...
*SO* I think I've got it all figured out...Chad Jensen is going down the river, Sean is here to stay for now, and Chad Rosset, well tomorrow is Wednesday and I do NEED to workout with my Personal Trainer... ;) Oh what a life...as my Mackinac sister says, "Just because there is a goalie, it doesn't mean you can't score" and how I feel with Rosset is, well, there is an empty net and I'm not going to miss out on this slap shot!
While I've been working on this, I put together a playlist/cd. I'm calling it Just Listen..and I'm going to give it to Chad Jensen, since really we are the couple where music does our talking for us...it consists of:
St Patrick's Day-John Mayer
Dear God-Avenged Sevenfold
Heartbreak Warfare-John Mayer
Friends Lovers Nothing-John Mayer
Better Sorry than Safe-Halestorm
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room-John Mayer
The Bleeding-5FDP
Hows It Going To Be-3EB
Daughters-John Mayer
I'm Not An Angel-Halestorm
It's Not You-Halestorm
A White Demon Love Song-The Killers
Motorcycle Driveby-3EB
The End-The Doors
Hopefully after I talk to him about him taking the nasty girl home this past weekend, and he listens to this CD, he will get that we are done...FRIENDS. Nothing else...Well I have put off this paper long enough..it's not going to write itself...
I've just been REALLY busy...Tons of things are going on and I'm in the middle of all of them! Trying to get everything around for school to finish up for the semester...thinking about going back to Mackinac Island for the summer...what I am going to do with the 3 (yes 3) men in my life when I do go up....OHHH DECISIONS!!!
SO. Manfriend #1 Chad Jensen
He looks good on paper...just not in person. He is 32 will be 33 this year. Single. White. Male. BEAUTIFUL truck. Nice house. GREAT job. He travels for work. So that means I could stay home OR go out with him wherever he is. He makes a BOAT load of money. He spoils me rotten. He dated a friend. I've heard he's hung like no other (size matters.) and is amazing in bed.
BUT!!
He is an ass when he drinks. ALWAYS picks a fight with me about EVERYTHING when he is drunk. He is REALLY insecure (NOT COOL). He has jacked up skin and teeth. I am not judging because before I had braces my teeth looked like butt, BUT his are stained and it looks like he hasn't been to the dentist in like 10 years, and his SKIN!! (AHHHHHH!!!!!!) First off, when you are "dating" someone you should want to caress their skin and touch their face and kiss their cheeks..yea NO. When he was in high school he had REALLY bad acne (I've had some blemishes, I know what it is like to have a problem zit) but his was so bad that his face is scarred and its redder than a fat foxes ass and he has rosatia...it's just not the face that I want to cuddle up next to and smother with kisses....when I think about touching his face my skin crawls...I DON'T THINK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!
He just, looks good on paper..he is a nice guy, but there isn't a physical attraction. I don't get the urge AT ALL to jump his bones and just ravish him..when I am with other guys, there is that connection, his BEST friend throws me against the wall (forcefully but not abusive) pulls my hair, DOESN'T say that he wants to kiss me passionatly, HE DOES IT. Don't tell the girl that you are "dating" that you want to kiss her passionatly. Don't let her feel you shake when you hug her. Don't be nervous around her. Chances are, she is wishing that you WOULD. Kiss her passionatly, don't tell her about it. GOD! It's SIMPLE! Girls are the ones that are supposed to be scared and nervous, BE THE MAN, GRAB HER BY THE BALLS AND TAKE CHARGE!!!
Sorry about the little rant there.
But, seriously, Chad is a GREAT friend. I could call him whenever and ask him for anything and he would do it. But I guess what the problem is, is that I don't feel the same for him as he does for me and I have drug this out for as long as I can. I do feel bad, I mean I have gave him the run around for MONTHS. Made him think that there was a chance when I knew deep down in my heart that he didn't have an ice cubes chance in hell. Yes I know that I am playing a game of cat and mouse, well the cat is bored and is going to let the mouse go. But, in my defense, it is the off season for work, school is going fine, work is GREAT, home life is good, I am just bored. I've been single for a while now, and I've been trying my feet in the dating pool. Now I know that there is someone out there who WON'T let me completly walk all over him and he WILL put me in my place. And that's something else about Chad, he has let me walk all over him, ipso facto, I have no respect for him. It's not fun. Well it is, but, UGH!
I mean he is a great friend, I know that if I were to be with him that I would get everything I want/need. It's just, not there, we are to the point where it's like shit or get off the pot. I want him as a friend, but I don't think that we can be friends. For Christmas he burnt me a John Mayer CD, and one of the songs on it was Friends Lovers or Nothing. If that song makes you wonder what you and your "girl" are, BAD SIGN BOB!! I know he wants us to be lovers. He tells me that he loves me all the time. I know he does, I just don't want it.
Funny, I was wondering what I was going to do when I go back up north, I'm going to do nothing. He is in friends zone. Actually he drove himself there and parked it this weekend. I chose not to go out with him on Saturday night (4.10.10) and he ended up taking a girl home with him on Friday AND Saturday. NOPE. Not going to deal with that when I ask him if there is anything that he wants to tell me about and he knows exactly what I am talking about and does not tell me. Nope. Not dealing with that.
I have been wondering for a while now if I was going to have to be the bad guy and hurt his feelings, but he just did the dirty work for me. Easy as pie.
Manfriend #2 Sean Cole
Sean. Tall. 23. Has a 3 year old son. Skinny. RIPPED. MMA fighter. Talented. ADORABLE. *sigh* He is just ADORABLE. I can't stand it. But the only thing that MIGHT make someone gasp is he's black. When I look at him I don't see black. He is white to me.
Sean is a breath of fresh air. He is someone that I wasn't expecting to meet, our meeting was chance. He is just, comfortable. Everything that Sean is, Chad is not. When I am around Sean I don't care if my shirt is clinging to a roll (I HATE being fat), I am comfortable around him. AND, check for Chad, I even told him once that I am not comfortable around him, when I hang out with him alone I make an excuse to leave. NOT COOL. BUT back to Sean. His family is awesome. I know it's because this is something new, and we are still in the stage where neither one of us burps or farts, and everything is rainbows and skittles. I know that this will pass, BUT! I am leaving for Mackinac on May 14, and even though I do plan on taking my car up there, I don't plan on coming home all the time, so I may get to see him like once a month (which I hope I can, because then I can come home and hook up with Chad Rosset and watch the MMA fights that Sean is in, he was in one this past Saturday and WON!! He's REALLY talented) So, since we do have an "expiration" date, things will stay skittles and rainbows, and we can talk and what not while I am gone. I just don't know how well this is going to work out because I am liking him more than what I thought I was going to already and I do have the time to like someone, and I know how I am...eek...I think I have a crush...BUT I am ready for it because this June it'll be 2 years that I have been single and I'm ready to get into the dating pool again. I am almost 23 years old...soon the clock will be ticking...
Manfriend #3 Chad Rosset
Short. Well, like 5.8ish.. Chad Jensens BEST FRIEND. Married. Kids. All in all, a snake with blue eyes. That familiar taste of poison. That apple that I shouldn't bite..yea a BAD IDEA. I know. It's just kinda nice. He is TOTALLY unattainable. I don't want him. Well I do in the sense that I want to have careless sex. But I don't want to date him. Why would I? He's fucking his bestfriends girl behind his back. He's CHEATING on his wife. Who would want to be with someone who is cheating? Because I don't care what he says, if he does it with you, he will do it to you. Mark my word kids. He is just so, easy. It's not complicated. Well it is to an extent, but there isn't a relationship. We both know what we want from the other person. Sex. I am using him and he is using me. And yes, I am playing with fire, but I am not adding gas to the fire... We have talked about when I go away, and I am going away. Since I am going to be taking my car and I do plan on coming home a few times, then we will hook up, if I don't, we don't. Not that hard. It's easy. All sex aside, we have a friendship. We can meet up at our spot and either talk for hours or we can have sex for hours. It goes either way. It's kinda nice. It's like having a boyfriend. Only it's 2, well 3, it was 2, spilt 2 ways. I have someone who will take me and spend me (Jensen), I have someone who is comfotable to be with(and new, so he's not really in this whole equation, Sean), and I have someone who I can have casual meaningless emotionless sex with (Rosset), and I don't know who if any of the 3 fart in their sleep. It's kinda nice...
*SO* I think I've got it all figured out...Chad Jensen is going down the river, Sean is here to stay for now, and Chad Rosset, well tomorrow is Wednesday and I do NEED to workout with my Personal Trainer... ;) Oh what a life...as my Mackinac sister says, "Just because there is a goalie, it doesn't mean you can't score" and how I feel with Rosset is, well, there is an empty net and I'm not going to miss out on this slap shot!
While I've been working on this, I put together a playlist/cd. I'm calling it Just Listen..and I'm going to give it to Chad Jensen, since really we are the couple where music does our talking for us...it consists of:
St Patrick's Day-John Mayer
Dear God-Avenged Sevenfold
Heartbreak Warfare-John Mayer
Friends Lovers Nothing-John Mayer
Better Sorry than Safe-Halestorm
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room-John Mayer
The Bleeding-5FDP
Hows It Going To Be-3EB
Daughters-John Mayer
I'm Not An Angel-Halestorm
It's Not You-Halestorm
A White Demon Love Song-The Killers
Motorcycle Driveby-3EB
The End-The Doors
Hopefully after I talk to him about him taking the nasty girl home this past weekend, and he listens to this CD, he will get that we are done...FRIENDS. Nothing else...Well I have put off this paper long enough..it's not going to write itself...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Kids These Days...
Kids these days make me sick.
On Wednesday (3.24.10) a 15 year old freshman from the high school I graduated from in 2005 (it's a such a small school that 2 towns came together and made the school) took his own life. This kid was bullied for years on end by 2 boys, when these students came over to the high school the middle school principle called and told the high school principle that these 2 boys were trouble and that they should be watched. From what I have heard, on Monday these 2 boys and a girl were tourmenting Gordon, pushing him into lockers and what not, then on Tuesday apparantly Gordon was late on an assignement and his teacher said that he needed to finish it in class that day and turn it in on Wednesday or he wouldn't get credit for it. He told her that she didn't need to worry about it because he wasnt going to be there tomorrow (Wednesday) anyway. Then he was telling some friends on Tuesday at lunch that he was going to kill himself and they didn't believe him.
On Tuesday afternoon around 5.30pm I was at the high school picking up my boss' exchange student from track practice and at the front of the school by the office entrance, there was a county cop car and the bus garage manager along with what appeared to be a set of parents with a kid who looked like he was in middle school and a little toddler kid and another set of adults. Granted I was in the car and didn't know what was going on, it looked from my point of view that there was a spat on the school bus and the cops were involved...
Turns out...
On Monday night Gordon had gotten into a fight with his stepdad, then after everything on Tuesday that happened in school, Gordon skipped out early on track practice and went home because he knew that no one would be home and he got one of his stepdad's guns. On Wednesday morning when all the bus' were getting into the school the bus garage manager was getting on them before the students got off and asked if any of them had seen Gordon/knew where he was, and he asked if they had or knew where he was to please let someone know.
Wednesday after lunch around 12.30 or 1.00ish my boss' kid (he's in middle school) was outside playing football with some kids and a teacher and they heard a gun shot, the teacher rished them all inside, and around 2.00 the cops and EMTS were at the school because Gordon had been out on the rails to trails that run behind that school property and he had taken his own life.
Absolutely sickening.
This poor boy had been bullied beyond belief for years on end, he was on antidepressents, had been told by his stepfather to man up, so he took his own life. Just thinking about the whole thing makes me sick. To think that he felt like he couldn't talk to anyone, that no one cared..to kill himself. From what I've been told 2 of the kids said they felt terrible, never thought that it would come to this, that he would never do this, then the last kid said that he feels no remorse whatsoever. WHAT?! A kid that you have picked on for years and years just took his own life because of the hell you have put him through and you feel NOTHING?!
To think what could have happened. There could have been another Columbine. I am a psychology major, I've done research, watched shows, know the stats. Kids who are bullied who bring a gun to school don't normally kill themselves, they will go after the kids who have tormented them and then take their own lives.
After Gordon was found, the superintendent sent a letter home saying that one of the students had passed away and funeral arrangements were pending..I do understand sending the letter home, and out of respect for the family not including the details, BUT in the larger picture there are SO many things wrong with this story...and no one knows about it. The local newspaper said nothing about it, the news stations knew nothing about it. So I emailed them asking to look into this. Within 10 minutes of emailing 3 news stations, 2 of them had called me. I don't want to hurt anyone or anything like this, but something needs to be done about the bullying in schools. This is just sickening. To think that these kids came with a WARNING. And nothing was done about them. The school where my brother graduated from just last year has a no tolerance policy. If you go to this school and you get into a fight with someone or you make a threat to anyone yo are suspended. No questions asked. NOW after this whole ordeal my alma mater is going to enstate a No Tolerance Policy. To little to late? Yea, I think so.
I just can not believe kids these days. When I was in school (I feel old saying that) if you had a problem with someone you called them out on it, if you were bullied by someone yes, you probably were pushed into a locker, BUT it stopped there. If you were going to do something about it kids faught in the hallway, in the cafeteria, or you met eachother out in the parking lot after school and settled it.
My heart is broken for Gordon. For his family. They not only lost their son, but their daughter in law, their grandkids, his life. I only hope that his parents sue all 3 kids for wrongful death. Granted they didn't kill him, but they did destroy this kids life.
With all this said and done, I just ask that you pray to whatever God you believe in for Gordon and his family.
In the next few days I will finish my entry about my life. :)
On Wednesday (3.24.10) a 15 year old freshman from the high school I graduated from in 2005 (it's a such a small school that 2 towns came together and made the school) took his own life. This kid was bullied for years on end by 2 boys, when these students came over to the high school the middle school principle called and told the high school principle that these 2 boys were trouble and that they should be watched. From what I have heard, on Monday these 2 boys and a girl were tourmenting Gordon, pushing him into lockers and what not, then on Tuesday apparantly Gordon was late on an assignement and his teacher said that he needed to finish it in class that day and turn it in on Wednesday or he wouldn't get credit for it. He told her that she didn't need to worry about it because he wasnt going to be there tomorrow (Wednesday) anyway. Then he was telling some friends on Tuesday at lunch that he was going to kill himself and they didn't believe him.
On Tuesday afternoon around 5.30pm I was at the high school picking up my boss' exchange student from track practice and at the front of the school by the office entrance, there was a county cop car and the bus garage manager along with what appeared to be a set of parents with a kid who looked like he was in middle school and a little toddler kid and another set of adults. Granted I was in the car and didn't know what was going on, it looked from my point of view that there was a spat on the school bus and the cops were involved...
Turns out...
On Monday night Gordon had gotten into a fight with his stepdad, then after everything on Tuesday that happened in school, Gordon skipped out early on track practice and went home because he knew that no one would be home and he got one of his stepdad's guns. On Wednesday morning when all the bus' were getting into the school the bus garage manager was getting on them before the students got off and asked if any of them had seen Gordon/knew where he was, and he asked if they had or knew where he was to please let someone know.
Wednesday after lunch around 12.30 or 1.00ish my boss' kid (he's in middle school) was outside playing football with some kids and a teacher and they heard a gun shot, the teacher rished them all inside, and around 2.00 the cops and EMTS were at the school because Gordon had been out on the rails to trails that run behind that school property and he had taken his own life.
Absolutely sickening.
This poor boy had been bullied beyond belief for years on end, he was on antidepressents, had been told by his stepfather to man up, so he took his own life. Just thinking about the whole thing makes me sick. To think that he felt like he couldn't talk to anyone, that no one cared..to kill himself. From what I've been told 2 of the kids said they felt terrible, never thought that it would come to this, that he would never do this, then the last kid said that he feels no remorse whatsoever. WHAT?! A kid that you have picked on for years and years just took his own life because of the hell you have put him through and you feel NOTHING?!
To think what could have happened. There could have been another Columbine. I am a psychology major, I've done research, watched shows, know the stats. Kids who are bullied who bring a gun to school don't normally kill themselves, they will go after the kids who have tormented them and then take their own lives.
After Gordon was found, the superintendent sent a letter home saying that one of the students had passed away and funeral arrangements were pending..I do understand sending the letter home, and out of respect for the family not including the details, BUT in the larger picture there are SO many things wrong with this story...and no one knows about it. The local newspaper said nothing about it, the news stations knew nothing about it. So I emailed them asking to look into this. Within 10 minutes of emailing 3 news stations, 2 of them had called me. I don't want to hurt anyone or anything like this, but something needs to be done about the bullying in schools. This is just sickening. To think that these kids came with a WARNING. And nothing was done about them. The school where my brother graduated from just last year has a no tolerance policy. If you go to this school and you get into a fight with someone or you make a threat to anyone yo are suspended. No questions asked. NOW after this whole ordeal my alma mater is going to enstate a No Tolerance Policy. To little to late? Yea, I think so.
I just can not believe kids these days. When I was in school (I feel old saying that) if you had a problem with someone you called them out on it, if you were bullied by someone yes, you probably were pushed into a locker, BUT it stopped there. If you were going to do something about it kids faught in the hallway, in the cafeteria, or you met eachother out in the parking lot after school and settled it.
My heart is broken for Gordon. For his family. They not only lost their son, but their daughter in law, their grandkids, his life. I only hope that his parents sue all 3 kids for wrongful death. Granted they didn't kill him, but they did destroy this kids life.
With all this said and done, I just ask that you pray to whatever God you believe in for Gordon and his family.
In the next few days I will finish my entry about my life. :)
Monday, March 22, 2010
I gave in...
I gave in.
I never thought that I would start blogging...thought it was something that coffee drinking art nerds did while sitting in Starbucks wearing their Hemp outfits tooling around on their Macs.
Well, here I am. I am a coffee drinker, not really an art nerd, although I do have a love for Warhol. Starbucks is a cult and I love it, and I've never worn hemp. I have used a tanning lotion that has it in it though...Mac? Nope, proud owner of a Toshiba.
So here I am in the library at school waiting for my next class to start. I was reading my friend Alyssas' blog and I thought that it might be fun to start one of my own. To have a place where I can vent and not care if people read it. With tha said, I caution you. This is my blog, you are reading it by choice, so I am not going to censor anything. If you don't like what you are reading, there is a little red X up in the upper right hand corner, go click on it and forget that you stumbled upon this blog.
I am a 22 year old college student. I am starring down the barrel of my 5 year reunion and I just made up my mind this past fall as to what I want to do with the rest of my life. When I graduated from my little podunk high school in 2005 I thought that I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. WRONG. I was 17 and could barely make up my mind about what I wanted for breakfast in the morning let alone decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. So here I am, on my 4th college in the past 5ish years. I think that I want to be a psychologist, think well no, know, yes.
When I was in high school I worked for a General Contractor (yes, I build houses), I was her Personal Assistant then, and I still am now. In the summers I go up and work on Mackinac Island, oh what fun it is. Please, if you come up, don't ask the Island workers stupid questions, and PLEASE pronounce Mackinac right, it's not cute when you don't and we don't like answering your dumb ass questions. There are NO cars on the Island, therefore, we DON'T park them on the backside in the morning. The bridge DOES NOT swing over to bring us to work, we live on the Island for however long our contract is. Sorry for that little soapbox, I will get into Mackinac Island a little later.
This being my first blog, I apologize for it being all scattered brained. I am just trying to give you all a sense of who I am and why I am here. Like I said before, I am here to vent.
I live in a small town where everyone knows everyones business and people LOVE to talk. NOT FUN. It's the kind of a town where you have to be careful who your "friends" are, because people LOVE to talk. So, if you think you know someone, check yourself. Ask people around town about that person, AND then decide if you want to tell your "friend" your deepest and most dark secrets. Consider yourself warned.
I guess I could say that it all started one cold November night back in 1987 when I was born. Well it didn't. I could say it all started that terrible nigh in November of 2006 when my stepdad died. It didn't. It all started when I started making decisions for myself. I do not regret any decisions that I have made. They all have made me who I am today. And personally I love me. But then again I am bias.
I guess now it's time for the basics. I am the middle child. I have an older sister (30) and a younger brother (18). My parents were divorced when my brother was 19 months old. You do the math. My dad left because he said that he didn't want to be married anymore, then 9 months later he was married to the Stepmother. BITCH. FUCKING HATE HER. She is the worst excuse for a human being that I have ever come across. I am not against divorce, people change, marriages fall apart, it's life, shit happens. Then in 1998 my mom and stepdad were married. He was cool. Pretty laid back guy, had tattoos, rode a Harley. Was the tallest person I knew (he was 6'7"), but then again I was just a kid and I was short, so everyone was tall. My sister graduated from high school in 1997, moved out west for a while, so it was just me and the brother at home with our mom and stepdad. Then in late 1999 early 2000 we (the family) moved up to Canadian Lakes. AWESOME! I was in the 7th grade and I was actually REALLY excited to move. We were going to the school distrcit where I would later graduate from and where my uncle was the principle at the middle school and I would be in the same grade as my cousin. I was about to go from being the ugly duckling/farmers daughter to a VERY big fish in a VERY small pond. Life was good. When I started school all people had to know about me was that I was Mr. Bakers' neice and I lived in Canadian Lakes. They were afarid of me (in the "Mean Girl" sense) School was good. I always did well, played sports, my coordination wasn't all that well, but I was tall and they needed my height. I had friends, loads of friends, lived in a NICE house, parents both had good jobs, wore the right clothes. Life was good. Then when my brother was in the 6th grade, that would put me in the 10th, he decided that he wanted to go live with our dad and stepmom for the school year, he did, so I was now the only kid at home. By this time my sister had moved home from Colorado, came out to us that she was gay, and lived in Grand Rapids with her girlfriend.
The summer of 2003 I went to Europe. AMAZING! It was a trip that I could go on through school, it was part of the International Studies Club. The cost was about $3500 and I had to pay for it ALL. That was NICE. Got to spend my summers working in a SWELTERING pizza shop making pizzas and scooping ice cream. Still to this day my right forearm is bigger than my left. I now can thank my parents for making me be responsible and for teaching me that I can have the things and go on the trips that I want as long as I work for them. It was nice because there were fund raisers put on through the school that I could do to also make money for the trip. Ended up that after working for a summer, not spending any unnecessary money (but when your 15 what do you need to spend money on?) and doing ALL the fund raisers, (my parents were SO glad when they didn't have to sell candy or christmas decorations to their coworkers) I went to England, Scotland and Ireland with little over $5000.
Jumping to 2004. My junior year of high school. Good grades, friends, turned 16, parents bought my car (I was still working, so I was paying them back for it, and paying for my own insurance)
Fall of 2004 I started my senior year, late in the summer of 04 I started working for my boss, started dating her son, call it job security if you will. Lost my virginity to him, and started school in august. My parents were not thrilled to say the least, he was 21, I was 16, not really an ideal match. But then again being the age I was, I thought I knew everything and they weren't going to tell me any different. So I "broke" up with him after 3 weeks, and then began sneaking around behind my parents backs for the next 9 months to be with him. It was HARD. All the lies, getting my friends to vouch for me. But they (my friends) were rewarded greatly, keep in mind Billy was 21, he was a sophmore (maybe) out at CMU, I had all the beer and college parties a girl would ever want. My friends loved me.
Now we are in the ealry part of 2005. Things with Billy and I were starting to fizzle out REALLY fast. He knew I wanted to break up, he didn't so he told me that if I was going to break up with him for any bullshit reason that he would go tell my parents EVERYTHING. That was enought to scare me into staying with him. At least until I met Nate. Nate was hot. He was 21, now I was 17, it wasn't as bad. He came from BUCKO bucks, his parents knew mine, everyone got along, it was the perfect out. I told Billy that I was cheating on him, told him that if he ever came to my house again I would call Canadian Lakes Security AND the police and have him arrested for trespassing, he never came around. Today we are great friends, we just choose not to talk about what happened. Hakuna Mattata. Nate and I didn't last long. He was looking for a housewife who just wanted to be barefoot in the kitchen and pregnant. I love to be barefoot, at the time I wasn't keen on cooking and kids were the last thing on my mind. So I left him. Graduated in May with honors in the top quarter of my class. Lived my last summer at home to the fullest and in August packed my car and my mom's truck up and moved out to CMU to start the rest of my life.
Central was FUUN! First semester was good, I didn't turn 18 until November so I couldn't go out to the bar with my roommates, so I was forced to stay in and study. After my birthday EVERYTHING went downhill FAST. When second semester started I thought that I would be able to party hard all the time and still get the grades that I got first semester. WRONG. When you go to class in your spare time or because you are bored, you will end the year with a nice letter from the school asking you to not come back until you are responsible enough to go to class and keep your grades up. I was Academically Dismissed. Took me a LONG time to be able to say it, but looking back on it now, it is the best thing that could have happened to me. I was VERY young, had no idea what I wanted to do with life. Had I stayed in CMU, I would have either graduated last May or this past December with a degree in Business and probably no job opportunites. What a wonderful world we live in.
Fall 2006: I am enrolled at MMCC. Mid Michigan Community College. I live in Mt Pleasant, I am on my way to getting my grades up and going back to CMU in the fall of 2007. Then as the semester started rolling my stepdad fell ill. He had a cold for a few months and wasn't able to shake it. Then in October my mom finally convinced him to go to the hospital. He went, they did a CT scan, found a mass in his chest and shipped him off to Grand Rapids for further tests. On October 18, 2006 we found out that he had Lung Cancer. He had an inoperable tumor that had wrapped itself around his aeorta. When he was 26 he had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, having that, he had all the radiation that his body could handle, along with Chemo. Knowing this, he and my mom discussed it with his doctors, he could not have anymore radiation, if he did, he would die. With Chemo, the doctors could only give him maybe a year. Without, 3-4 months tops. He and my mom talked it over, he decided that he didn't want us kids and our mom to see him wither away to nothing, (remember I said that he was 6'7" and when he went into the hospital weighed about 280lbs..) so he came home, and early in the morning on November 18, 2006 he died. Not 3-4 months later, 1 month to the day. Thankfully we did know that he was going to die, and we had Hospice in with us the whole time and he and my mom had discusssed what arrangements he wanted for the funeral and all that jazz. Then after I had went with my mom to the funeral home to talk about what was going to happen in the next few days we came home. She unplugged the phone, locked the doors, closed the curtains execpt for one, laid down on the couch and took a nap, I told her that I needed to get out of the house so I was going to go over to my boss' house. She lived 5 minutes away and I could make it in 3 if my mom needed me. She said she wouldn't and for me to go and enjoy being away for a while as the next few days were going to be a mind fuck like no other...she was right.
I went to Kathys for a chance to breathe. To talk about something other than death. Anything. I was in the basement with her and her sister in law when her nephew (Billys cousin who I had the biggest crush on for the longest time) walked in. His name is Tom. Kathy was like, "Oh Tom, you remember Hillary right? Yea, her dad just died" I wanted to kill her. Tom looked at my like he didn't know if he should shit or go blind. (His dad died in a BAD car accident when he was 5) all he could say was Im sorry. Now the FUN starts.
From that moment on Tom and I were attached at the hip for a year and a half.
He was exactly what I needed at the time. Hell at the time he was what I thought I needed for the rest of forever. Oh love, you are such a blind dirty abusive whore.
I never thought that I would start blogging...thought it was something that coffee drinking art nerds did while sitting in Starbucks wearing their Hemp outfits tooling around on their Macs.
Well, here I am. I am a coffee drinker, not really an art nerd, although I do have a love for Warhol. Starbucks is a cult and I love it, and I've never worn hemp. I have used a tanning lotion that has it in it though...Mac? Nope, proud owner of a Toshiba.
So here I am in the library at school waiting for my next class to start. I was reading my friend Alyssas' blog and I thought that it might be fun to start one of my own. To have a place where I can vent and not care if people read it. With tha said, I caution you. This is my blog, you are reading it by choice, so I am not going to censor anything. If you don't like what you are reading, there is a little red X up in the upper right hand corner, go click on it and forget that you stumbled upon this blog.
I am a 22 year old college student. I am starring down the barrel of my 5 year reunion and I just made up my mind this past fall as to what I want to do with the rest of my life. When I graduated from my little podunk high school in 2005 I thought that I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. WRONG. I was 17 and could barely make up my mind about what I wanted for breakfast in the morning let alone decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. So here I am, on my 4th college in the past 5ish years. I think that I want to be a psychologist, think well no, know, yes.
When I was in high school I worked for a General Contractor (yes, I build houses), I was her Personal Assistant then, and I still am now. In the summers I go up and work on Mackinac Island, oh what fun it is. Please, if you come up, don't ask the Island workers stupid questions, and PLEASE pronounce Mackinac right, it's not cute when you don't and we don't like answering your dumb ass questions. There are NO cars on the Island, therefore, we DON'T park them on the backside in the morning. The bridge DOES NOT swing over to bring us to work, we live on the Island for however long our contract is. Sorry for that little soapbox, I will get into Mackinac Island a little later.
This being my first blog, I apologize for it being all scattered brained. I am just trying to give you all a sense of who I am and why I am here. Like I said before, I am here to vent.
I live in a small town where everyone knows everyones business and people LOVE to talk. NOT FUN. It's the kind of a town where you have to be careful who your "friends" are, because people LOVE to talk. So, if you think you know someone, check yourself. Ask people around town about that person, AND then decide if you want to tell your "friend" your deepest and most dark secrets. Consider yourself warned.
I guess I could say that it all started one cold November night back in 1987 when I was born. Well it didn't. I could say it all started that terrible nigh in November of 2006 when my stepdad died. It didn't. It all started when I started making decisions for myself. I do not regret any decisions that I have made. They all have made me who I am today. And personally I love me. But then again I am bias.
I guess now it's time for the basics. I am the middle child. I have an older sister (30) and a younger brother (18). My parents were divorced when my brother was 19 months old. You do the math. My dad left because he said that he didn't want to be married anymore, then 9 months later he was married to the Stepmother. BITCH. FUCKING HATE HER. She is the worst excuse for a human being that I have ever come across. I am not against divorce, people change, marriages fall apart, it's life, shit happens. Then in 1998 my mom and stepdad were married. He was cool. Pretty laid back guy, had tattoos, rode a Harley. Was the tallest person I knew (he was 6'7"), but then again I was just a kid and I was short, so everyone was tall. My sister graduated from high school in 1997, moved out west for a while, so it was just me and the brother at home with our mom and stepdad. Then in late 1999 early 2000 we (the family) moved up to Canadian Lakes. AWESOME! I was in the 7th grade and I was actually REALLY excited to move. We were going to the school distrcit where I would later graduate from and where my uncle was the principle at the middle school and I would be in the same grade as my cousin. I was about to go from being the ugly duckling/farmers daughter to a VERY big fish in a VERY small pond. Life was good. When I started school all people had to know about me was that I was Mr. Bakers' neice and I lived in Canadian Lakes. They were afarid of me (in the "Mean Girl" sense) School was good. I always did well, played sports, my coordination wasn't all that well, but I was tall and they needed my height. I had friends, loads of friends, lived in a NICE house, parents both had good jobs, wore the right clothes. Life was good. Then when my brother was in the 6th grade, that would put me in the 10th, he decided that he wanted to go live with our dad and stepmom for the school year, he did, so I was now the only kid at home. By this time my sister had moved home from Colorado, came out to us that she was gay, and lived in Grand Rapids with her girlfriend.
The summer of 2003 I went to Europe. AMAZING! It was a trip that I could go on through school, it was part of the International Studies Club. The cost was about $3500 and I had to pay for it ALL. That was NICE. Got to spend my summers working in a SWELTERING pizza shop making pizzas and scooping ice cream. Still to this day my right forearm is bigger than my left. I now can thank my parents for making me be responsible and for teaching me that I can have the things and go on the trips that I want as long as I work for them. It was nice because there were fund raisers put on through the school that I could do to also make money for the trip. Ended up that after working for a summer, not spending any unnecessary money (but when your 15 what do you need to spend money on?) and doing ALL the fund raisers, (my parents were SO glad when they didn't have to sell candy or christmas decorations to their coworkers) I went to England, Scotland and Ireland with little over $5000.
Jumping to 2004. My junior year of high school. Good grades, friends, turned 16, parents bought my car (I was still working, so I was paying them back for it, and paying for my own insurance)
Fall of 2004 I started my senior year, late in the summer of 04 I started working for my boss, started dating her son, call it job security if you will. Lost my virginity to him, and started school in august. My parents were not thrilled to say the least, he was 21, I was 16, not really an ideal match. But then again being the age I was, I thought I knew everything and they weren't going to tell me any different. So I "broke" up with him after 3 weeks, and then began sneaking around behind my parents backs for the next 9 months to be with him. It was HARD. All the lies, getting my friends to vouch for me. But they (my friends) were rewarded greatly, keep in mind Billy was 21, he was a sophmore (maybe) out at CMU, I had all the beer and college parties a girl would ever want. My friends loved me.
Now we are in the ealry part of 2005. Things with Billy and I were starting to fizzle out REALLY fast. He knew I wanted to break up, he didn't so he told me that if I was going to break up with him for any bullshit reason that he would go tell my parents EVERYTHING. That was enought to scare me into staying with him. At least until I met Nate. Nate was hot. He was 21, now I was 17, it wasn't as bad. He came from BUCKO bucks, his parents knew mine, everyone got along, it was the perfect out. I told Billy that I was cheating on him, told him that if he ever came to my house again I would call Canadian Lakes Security AND the police and have him arrested for trespassing, he never came around. Today we are great friends, we just choose not to talk about what happened. Hakuna Mattata. Nate and I didn't last long. He was looking for a housewife who just wanted to be barefoot in the kitchen and pregnant. I love to be barefoot, at the time I wasn't keen on cooking and kids were the last thing on my mind. So I left him. Graduated in May with honors in the top quarter of my class. Lived my last summer at home to the fullest and in August packed my car and my mom's truck up and moved out to CMU to start the rest of my life.
Central was FUUN! First semester was good, I didn't turn 18 until November so I couldn't go out to the bar with my roommates, so I was forced to stay in and study. After my birthday EVERYTHING went downhill FAST. When second semester started I thought that I would be able to party hard all the time and still get the grades that I got first semester. WRONG. When you go to class in your spare time or because you are bored, you will end the year with a nice letter from the school asking you to not come back until you are responsible enough to go to class and keep your grades up. I was Academically Dismissed. Took me a LONG time to be able to say it, but looking back on it now, it is the best thing that could have happened to me. I was VERY young, had no idea what I wanted to do with life. Had I stayed in CMU, I would have either graduated last May or this past December with a degree in Business and probably no job opportunites. What a wonderful world we live in.
Fall 2006: I am enrolled at MMCC. Mid Michigan Community College. I live in Mt Pleasant, I am on my way to getting my grades up and going back to CMU in the fall of 2007. Then as the semester started rolling my stepdad fell ill. He had a cold for a few months and wasn't able to shake it. Then in October my mom finally convinced him to go to the hospital. He went, they did a CT scan, found a mass in his chest and shipped him off to Grand Rapids for further tests. On October 18, 2006 we found out that he had Lung Cancer. He had an inoperable tumor that had wrapped itself around his aeorta. When he was 26 he had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, having that, he had all the radiation that his body could handle, along with Chemo. Knowing this, he and my mom discussed it with his doctors, he could not have anymore radiation, if he did, he would die. With Chemo, the doctors could only give him maybe a year. Without, 3-4 months tops. He and my mom talked it over, he decided that he didn't want us kids and our mom to see him wither away to nothing, (remember I said that he was 6'7" and when he went into the hospital weighed about 280lbs..) so he came home, and early in the morning on November 18, 2006 he died. Not 3-4 months later, 1 month to the day. Thankfully we did know that he was going to die, and we had Hospice in with us the whole time and he and my mom had discusssed what arrangements he wanted for the funeral and all that jazz. Then after I had went with my mom to the funeral home to talk about what was going to happen in the next few days we came home. She unplugged the phone, locked the doors, closed the curtains execpt for one, laid down on the couch and took a nap, I told her that I needed to get out of the house so I was going to go over to my boss' house. She lived 5 minutes away and I could make it in 3 if my mom needed me. She said she wouldn't and for me to go and enjoy being away for a while as the next few days were going to be a mind fuck like no other...she was right.
I went to Kathys for a chance to breathe. To talk about something other than death. Anything. I was in the basement with her and her sister in law when her nephew (Billys cousin who I had the biggest crush on for the longest time) walked in. His name is Tom. Kathy was like, "Oh Tom, you remember Hillary right? Yea, her dad just died" I wanted to kill her. Tom looked at my like he didn't know if he should shit or go blind. (His dad died in a BAD car accident when he was 5) all he could say was Im sorry. Now the FUN starts.
From that moment on Tom and I were attached at the hip for a year and a half.
He was exactly what I needed at the time. Hell at the time he was what I thought I needed for the rest of forever. Oh love, you are such a blind dirty abusive whore.
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